Month: June 2017

Preface As you know, this is a new experience for me; I didn’t even do blogging with my students. I have found the process that I go through to get my final writing completed to be a kind of wild ride. I start off thinking I’m going in one direction and halfway through or after leaving and coming back to it, I begin making lots of turns! This piece is no different. What I have discovered is that God is going to show up in everything I write because my faith is a huge part of my journey of grief.  Trying to cram that into a two part blog was unrealistic. In other words, I should have come up with a different title for the last blog. So bear with me as I do some regrouping! 😉 . 
I lived through the worst day of my life. I didn’t see any way to possibly get through those first hours, days and weeks without praying to God and leaving everything in His hands. I cried out to Him. It was as if I was walking in slow motion, stunned and in shock. I turned everything over to Him and all that I did after that was directed by Him. The people who were taking care of us were called on by God to be there for us. Don’t ignore your call to be there for someone. It could be God telling you to go. Know that when you pray for others, your prayers are heard. They may not be answered as you wanted them to be answered but help is provided; strength is given. I believe that everyone who prayed and still prays for us has helped us on this journey through grief. We were blessed to have been surrounded by love then and now. We asked for mercy and we received grace beyond measure. 

I was fortunate enough to be the daughter of Lola and Aubrey and raised in a Christian home. The church was a large part of my life: Church, Sunday School, and Youth Ministries every Sunday, Choir Practice every Wednesday. My social life revolved around church activities, even roller skating and basketball was at our church gym. My dearest friendships were made there. Friends who drove for hours to be with us for Chris’s memorial service. Seeing them walk into the reception following the service was especially comforting and humbling. It’s actually one of the few moments I remember from that day. 
Chris Mayville was the best thing that ever happened to me. God sent him to me to teach me to truly love someone with all my heart and soul. Our children were precious gifts of that love. They taught us unconditional love, as the Father has for us. “It’s a love without end. A-men” I hope that those of you who are reading this know this kind of love. If you are struggling and suffering, please seek help. If you are grieving and depressed, seek help. Pray. Give your concerns and worries over to God. Have faith that things will get better. 

Chris and I met Rev. Jim Giddens when we attended Wesley Monumental UMC. We attended young couple gatherings at his home with his wife, Linda. When he moved to Skidaway Island UMC, we did, too. God put Jim Giddens in our lives for many reasons but certainly one was to be there for me the day Chris died. His words of comfort, peace and reality helped ground me. He’s the one who led me to Holland Morgan at Hospice Savannah for counseling. Holland Morgan was a God send. He truly helped save me from the depths of depression. He helped me put the pieces of my life back together. I had no idea that those services were available to me as Chris had not received hospice care.  Check out the services they offer in your area on their website. For those of you with children who are suffering the pain of loss, hospice has great opportunities for them. 
Psalm 107:28-30

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, And He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven.

I’ve heard when bad things happen, people will run to their faith or away from it. I ran to my faith, asking for strength and help from the moment Chris didn’t show up for dinner February 20, 2012 to this day.

God was there with Chris. God didn’t “let” Chris commit suicide. God gives us the power of free will. Chris made a choice. I still struggle with why he made this choice. I’m sure God was hurting because Chris was hurting, but I don’t believe He ever left him. I believe He was right there with him. I believe that He caught him when he fell and He held him. Then our merciful Father welcomed him home to his eternal peace.

Friends, family and strangers have said, “I don’t know how you’ve made it through this pain. Your strength is amazing.” My response to them is, ” I wouldn’t be able to make it without my faith in God. Your prayers also help me get through each day.” Trust me, I struggle every day. Every day, I miss him. Every day, I think of him. But, I can’t stay in that state of mind. I power through it but only after I’ve prayed for God to lead me and to give me the strength I need to go on. God is with me.
I want to share a dream I had about 10 months before Chris died. I was in the hospital with C-Diff. I was hoping that it was to be my last night. The dream went like this…

I was attending a teachers’ meeting in an auditorium. I was already seated. I heard some commotion and turned to see a very well-known teacher come walking in. She had quite a following of people with her. She came down the aisle and sat in the row of seats behind me in the auditorium. I was so excited when she spoke to me that I interrupted her to respond. The auditorium fell silent. 
She said, “Come sit by me” and I did, silently. I said nothing. She took my hand and then told me to go outside with her. She told me to follow her around this open space but she made me stand in front of her. I was confused and not sure how to do this.. In order to “follow her” I had to look over my shoulder. She told me to come walk beside her.

When we were together side by side, she asked, “Is this easier?”

I said, “Yes, much better!”. 

She said, “If you follow me, it will be even easier”. 

So, I joined the crowd behind her and felt great joy.

I came out of the auditorium laughing and talking with friends and as I turned a corner, Rev. Red Williams was standing there, lit up in a beautiful light. He had passed away and yet he was here. I had loved him so much. I spent many days and nights at his home because one of his daughters and I were friends.

“Rev. Williams, what are you doing here?” I reached up and touched his face.

 He said, “Yes, it’s me, Julie. I’ve been sent for a lesson. Your mother is working on it for me right now.” (My mother is a Sunday School teacher.) I began to cry. 
He said, “That’s it, just let go.” 

I reached up to hug him and said into his ear, “Do you know how much you meant to me? Do you know what an impact praying for others with your family in the evenings made on me?” 

He said, “yes”. 

At that time, I heard my name being called by the doctor. It was 6:00am and the doctor was there to tell me that I was going home.

To say this was a powerful dream is an understatement. Apparently, I needed to be reminded of several things before I went home. First was not forget how much easier life is if I follow God’s lead and walk in His path. I believe Rev. Williams was there to remind me of the power of prayer. I needed to pray for others because I had so many praying for me.
Fast forward ten months, Chris had committed suicide and I was heartbroken. I didn’t know what to do to survive and how to be there for others that were also suffering, like our children and parents.
I remembered this dream that first day and shared it with my minister when he arrived. Before he said what he thought it meant, he asked me what I thought. I told him that my deciphering of it led me to believe that God had been preparing me for this moment. He agreed. God gave me that dream to provide me with strength for trials ahead.

God was telling me how to survive this heartbreak and the journey of grief :

• Allow Him to lead me by faith
• Pray for myself and others

6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.   James 1:6. New International Version (NIV)

This is my first Father’s Day without my daddy. He passed away September 17th 2020 at the age of 90 and 7 months. He was an amazing man and father. He had the kindest, most gentle nature. I was a Daddy’s girl in the truest sense of the word. I miss him terribly but am thankful that he didn’t suffer with an extended illness. I wanted to marry a man with his spirit and was blessed to do so.

I originally wrote this several years ago about helping my children and others who had lost their fathers to cope with the day. Now, in addition to being conscious of my children tomorrow, I will also mourn the death of my father and try to honor him in some way during the day.

Do something to honor your father today; whether it’s sitting with your memories for a few minutes, visiting his favorite place, eating his favorite meal, eating at his favorite restaurant, lighting a candle, or visiting his burial site. There are many ways to celebrate his life today. Don’t focus on his absence. 

June 2012, the first Father’s Day following Chris’s death loomed ahead of me as a heavy dark cloud full of thunder and lightning. I was so scared for my children who were 15, 20, and 22. I wanted to protect them from that day. Could we escape it? Skip it? No, their friends talked about what they were doing with their families. The tv was full of commercials blasting out the perfect gift for dad. The stores had cards and special sections dedicated to gifts for every dad. No escaping, so now what?! I knew I needed to do something to honor their dad but didn’t know what it would be. I prayed for guidance. What would be best for us all?

When it became real that everyone was making plans to be at my parents’ beach house in Surfside Beach for Father’s Day weekend, I had to go into teacher, mother, leader mode, suck up my emotions, and do what I needed to do for my children. I decided that I’d prepare a small service for the five of us. 

We had some of Chris’s ashes placed in a small biodegradable box at the funeral home so that we could take them with us to the beach and scatter them. Our sweet chocolate lab, Maggie, died of a broken heart and old age two weeks after Chris died. We would release her ashes with Chris’s. It seemed only right. 

Initially our thoughts had been to do this from the end of the Surfside Beach Pier but the children had some concerns about that. I admit, so did I. The day before leaving, Meghan called and suggested that we do this at Belin Methodist Church which sits on Murrells Inlet. This is the church that we attended when we were there and also where we watched fireworks from on the 4th of July. It was a perfect solution to all of our concerns. Again, God’s hand is leading us where we need to go. High tide was at 7:30 AM Sunday morning, a beautiful and perfect time of day. So we had a date, a time and a location, now what would we do when we got there?!
I spent lots of time trying to figure out what was appropriate for us to do prior to sending both Chris and Maggie’s ashes out to sea. Several friends and family members said I was putting too much pressure on myself but I just knew something special had to be said and done as part of this event. So after lots of prayer and rewrites, this is how it went.

I purchased a bouquet of flowers, red roses, sunflowers, and white lilies and put them in a vase that I sat on the sea wall. I stood among the children at the wall beside the cross. 

I started by sharing the lyrics of the George Strait song, A Father’s Love. If you aren’t familiar with it, you need to google it and listen to it. The refrain is…
And he said, “Let me tell you a secret, about a fathers love – A secret that my daddy said was just between us – He said daddies don’t just love their children every now and then – It’s a love without end, amen, – it’s a love without end, amen 

I continued with my own thoughts, which may sound very familiar. I am struck by how much they are like the words I posted last week in my love story post! I promise I just found these papers today! 
We don’t have all of the answers to our questions, that is true, and for some we may not have the answers for until we reach heaven. So, for now we have to stay focused on what we do know. It’s important for us to remember the man your dad was, the father and husband he was. We mourn the loss of him. We miss his presence daily. But, he is at peace and with our heavenly Father who I know welcomed him to heaven with arms wide open and said, “Job well-done my child. Now rest”

I want to share with you the things I know:

God is with each of us. Chris is with each of us. Chris is at peace and rest without worry.

Chris was the love of my life, my best friend. Being married to him was an amazing adventure. We shared so much; my memories are as countless as the grains of sand on the beach.

I loved his kisses and hugs. I remember our first kiss and how it made me feel as if it happened yesterday. I had 28 years of those kisses and hugs and I’m thankful.

I loved snuggling with him on rainy weekend mornings. I loved holding his hand during the Lord’s Prayer at church, while walking on the beach or at the mall or even just sitting at home watching tv.

I loved the way he made me laugh. I miss his laugh. I miss him. My heart is broken.

I will never love that way again. I will always be Mrs. Christopher John Mayville. I will celebrate Chris’s life and our life together always. 

Chris was a good man with a kind and gentle spirit. He cared for other people. He didn’t like seeing people hurting. He helped those less fortunate than he was. He bought lunch for soldiers in uniform saying he hoped someone would do the same for his brother and later added his nephews.

Then I read a couple of Father’s Day cards that the children and I had given to him in years past. I won’t share the sentiments because they were personal to the children and I want to honor that. I’m so glad I saved them! 
I shared a poem that was sent to me by a dear friend shortly after Chris’s death called , “When Tomorrow Starts Without Me”.

Those we love are never really lost to us. We feel their love surround us wherever we may go; in words of wisdom spoken and memories that will never fail. Those we love are never really lost to us, for everywhere around us their love lives on. I know that each of us feel dad’s presence everywhere we go and in everything we do. He will always be with us.

God will watch over us and take care of us. His hand has been guiding us and those around us for four months now and even before the day Dad died. 

Chris, we leave a part of you here at the sea you loved so much. 

We released Maggie and Chris to the currents of the inlet. We each tossed two flowers into the Inlet. 

We ended by reciting the The Lord’s Prayer. 

May God continue to be with us on this journey.

A-men and A-men.

 We returned to the house and I presented each child with their very own treasure box- one of Chris’s many cigar boxes that contained mementoes that would be special to them from their dad. They all received coins from his coin collection and paper money from that collection. I gave them sharks teeth from his collection as well. Chris could find them by the dozen when the rest of us might find one! Then, I went through pictures and pulled my favorites of him with each of them. I gave them each a Stevie Ray Vaughn, Bob Dylan, and Bob Marley CD. I will never forget their faces as they received their boxes. They thought the cigar box was the treasure. They became little kids again as they went through their boxes. Pure love. 

I did it! I powered through the pain and heartache with lots of prayer and created a special day for our children. 
Today, as in the four years since that day, I know that each child will remember their dad in their own special way. I am thankful they had such an amazing father. 

The righteous who walks in his integrity– blessed are his children after him! [Proverbs 20:7 ESV]

I think it’s important for you to understand some background for my story of faith and healing before I tackle some of the hard stuff.
I didn’t know it was possible to love someone like I loved Chris or to be loved by someone the way he loved me. I had dreamed about it but hadn’t experienced anything like it before. He loved me completely, warts and all. He was the kindest, most gentle man I had ever met besides my daddy. He made me laugh. I mean belly laugh, drink comes through the nose laugh. We had so much fun together whatever we did. 
For the two years we dated, I was living in Charleston and he was living in Savannah, specifically Tybee Island. We alternated traveling each weekend. We shared our cities with each other. We were both history buffs and loved learning all we could about each other’s city. It was magical.

Chris loved the beach, which was kind of a requirement for this beach bum! I thought it was a God wink that he lived at Tybee. He lived in a little bachelor pad rental house on the Butler side of 7th Ave. with one of his brother’s ranger buddies. When I arrived at the house on Friday afternoons, there was usually a note on the door telling me he was on the beach and to come join. I have to tell you the anticipation of seeing him was about school girl crush level. My heart beat like a hummingbird’s wings and butterflies were tickling my stomach. I came over the boardwalk and could see him fishing on the shoreline. He would have a chair and a cold beer waiting there for me. It was the best! Sometimes we’d walk hand in hand down the beach telling about our day and anything else we had on our minds. And other days, we’d sit in the chairs and hold hands while we shared. He loved hearing stories about my students and my day. I can’t count the number of sunsets we watched. 

Chris was a romantic. He sent me cards all the time, and brought flowers when he came to Charleston. I wasn’t as good about all of that as he was. He held my hand no matter where we were, walking down the street, watching a movie or sitting in church. 
While walking hand in hand through the streets of Charleston one day, a little girl, who was walking towards us with her mommy asked if we were married. We smiled, shook our heads from side to side and said “No”. She said, “I think you should get married.” We laughed and Chris said, “Not a bad idea” Out of the mouths of babes….
After dating for a year and a half, Chris asked my parents for permission to marry me. He placed the ring on my little Christmas tree with hopes that I would find it and then he would pop the question. Well, I didn’t find it on the tree, even after his exclamations about how cute my tree was and pointing out some of the ornaments. He was disappointed but he moved on to plan B, which, honestly, was perfect. Sunday, after church, we went to get doughnuts and then to The Battery to walk. When we had walked a short distance, he stopped and took my hands in his, told me he loved me more than he ever thought was possible and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and asked if I would marry him. Of course, I said “yes”. 
We were married for 25 years and 3 months before he took his life. We had recently both turned 50. We had been married as long as we hadn’t been married! We had three beautiful, healthy children who were the absolute joy of his life. He was a perfect dad. I do not exaggerate when I say this. He loved being a dad. He played all kinds of games with them, even Pretty, Pretty Princess! He steam-rolled across the family room floor and our king size bed with them. He was a soccer and baseball coach for all of them. Laughter filled our home. I always marveled how he used psychology to get the children to clean up or do things they really didn’t want to do. He rarely yelled. He didn’t have to. I called him the peacekeeper. I loved watching him with our children. It warmed my heart. 
Our marriage was strong. We talked about growing old together. “Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be” was a favorite saying of ours. We were always hugging and kissing and our private time was…. well, amazing. We were best friends. We supported each other in our work. We had very few disagreements because Chris couldn’t stand confrontation. Sometimes I wanted him to really get mad and he wouldn’t. We shared everything, or at least I thought we did. 
I don’t pretend to understand why Chris committed suicide. He left no note. I can ask myself “Why?” every day but the answer doesn’t change, “I don’t know.” So I try to stay focused on what I do know.

 I know that Chris Mayville loved our children and me with all of his heart and soul. I know that I couldn’t have stopped him even though I wish I had the chance to try. I know this was not a selfish act, but rather an act of mental pain and suffering. I know that Chris fell into the arms of our Heavenly Father and found peace there that he couldn’t find here. I know that he is in heaven and that we will be united again someday and it will be joyful reunion. 

Our son, Carter, was such an incredible source of strength for his sisters and me though those first few difficult days. One of the things he said to us and repeated at Chris’s funeral was this:

For 22 years I was blessed to have Chris Mayville as my dad. He was truly the most amazing dad ever. There are children in this world who haven’t known one day with an amazing dad. I am so blessed.

Such great insight and wisdom at such a young age. That became our focus in healing- we were blessed to have been a part of Chris Mayville’s life. So many women will never know the love I knew as his wife. I am so thankful for every day I had with him. Sure I wish there had been more days, but the Legacy of Love he left behind in his children and me is powerful. He also touched the lives of many people he met and worked with through the years. He always put others needs above his own. He took care of those less fortunate than he was but he never boasted about it. He was a humble and kind servant. He loved his neighbors. We have to celebrate that. Celebrate love! 

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  1 Corinthians 13:2

My dear, sweet friend and sister Claudia Shand is responsible for this blog’s beginning so I want to make my first post about her and our special relationship.

Shand and I met at the College of Charleston in 1982. I was starting my senior year and she was a junior transfer student from Winthrop. She was our new suite-mate. We became fast and wonderful friends. I met her fiancé, Bill, once before their wedding. He was, and continues to be, an outstanding soldier and an overall great guy.
Fast forward to July 1985, Bill and Shand’s wedding weekend. Their rehearsal dinner was held at Shand’s aunt and uncle’s beautiful home on John’s Island, just outside of Charleston. Shortly after arriving I headed to the porch to get a beer. There was a small group of people hanging out around the coolers and drink station. A cute guy jumps up from the cooler he was sitting on and says, “Can I buy you a drink?” I snickered and shook my head and said, “Wow, sure- didn’t realize it was a cash bar!” He gave me a beer and introduced himself as Chris, brother of the groom. I thanked him and said, “I’m Julie, friend of the bride.” We chatted briefly and I excused myself; mostly to pull myself together. He was really cute! We partnered later to play Trivial Pursuit. Chris walked me to my car at the end of the evening and kissed me. I have to say I can still remember and feel that kiss today. It was truly a fireworks kind of kiss.

I was on cloud nine anticipating the wedding and reception Saturday night. It was a beautiful wedding at Bethel UMC followed by a beautiful reception at the Hibernian Hall. Chris found me at the reception and we talked, laughed and danced all night. This was the fabulous beginning of our love story. Bill and Shand returned from their honeymoon to find out that Chris and I had hit it off and had made plans to see each other again. I remember them saying they were very happy but also very surprised. They had not imagined the two of us together. Surprise!

The four of us spent some time together when we first started dating. Bill was stationed in Savannah and Chris was living and working there. I was living in Charleston. One of us was on the road every weekend so we could see each other. I have many special memories of Savannah and time with Shand and Bill during that time- my first St. Patrick’s Day, supporting Chris as he studied for and took the CPA exam, babysitting Shand and Bill’s first born, Chas, and helping them pack to leave when Bill got his orders for Germany.

Two and a half years after our fateful meeting, Chris and I were married. Unfortunately, because they were stationed in Germany, Bill and Shand couldn’t attend the wedding. I received a beautiful letter from Bill welcoming me to the Mayville family. I treasure that gift.

My friendship with Shand led me to the love of my life and she and I became sisters! Neither one of us had blood sisters so we totally loved this new relationship. Chris and Bill were extremely close brothers. The four of us continued to spend as much time together as we could. We traveled to Germany while they were there. We went to Ft. Bragg and stayed with them in what has to be the smallest military house ever. I laughed til I cried when Shand said you had to step aside for a fly if you met in the “hallway”.

As our families grew, it became important for us to remain close so that our kids would grow up together and become friends above cousins. We traveled to Ft. Benning for Thanksgiving, to Newport for vacation, and back to Ft. Bragg, thankfully, in larger housing! They came to our beach house and we created memories to last a lifetime. And joyfully, our children became friends. In February of this year, Meghan stood at Margie’s wedding as her maid of honor.

February 20, 2012, I had to call Shand and Bill to tell them that Chris had died. To be honest, I don’t remember much about that day. I do remember hearing Shand’s voice and it was heartbreaking.

Getting through that week was horrific. I relied on friends and family for everything. I am blessed to have been surrounded by so much loving care. Shand and Bill have stood by the children and me through some tough days. I can always count on Shand to listen and to reach out to me. I have been to Kansas, to D.C., and to Carolina Beach to be with her. She went to Surfside Beach with me the first time I went back.

Sometime during the first year after Chris’s death, Shand sent me a card and a necklace from one of my favorite shops in Kansas. It is my reminder to focus on what’s important and is the inspiration for the title of my blog.

The charm contains three words: love, mercy, grace.

The card read- Surrounded by Love, Asking for Mercy, Receiving Grace.

Those three words sum up my journey of healing from loss. I plan to share more of this journey with you in hopes that something I share will help you in some way to refocus your life or to heal from loss.