I’ve heard when bad things happen, people will run to their faith or away from it. I ran to my faith, asking for strength and help from the moment Chris didn’t show up for dinner February 20, 2012 to this day.
God was there with Chris. God didn’t “let” Chris commit suicide. God gives us the power of free will. Chris made a choice. I still struggle with why he made this choice. I’m sure God was hurting because Chris was hurting, but I don’t believe He ever left him. I believe He was right there with him. I believe that He caught him when he fell and He held him. Then our merciful Father welcomed him home to his eternal peace.
Friends, family and strangers have said, “I don’t know how you’ve made it through this pain. Your strength is amazing.” My response to them is, ” I wouldn’t be able to make it without my faith in God. Your prayers also help me get through each day.” Trust me, I struggle every day. Every day, I miss him. Every day, I think of him. But, I can’t stay in that state of mind. I power through it but only after I’ve prayed for God to lead me and to give me the strength I need to go on. God is with me.
I want to share a dream I had about 10 months before Chris died. I was in the hospital with C-Diff. I was hoping that it was to be my last night. The dream went like this…
I was attending a teachers’ meeting in an auditorium. I was already seated. I heard some commotion and turned to see a very well-known teacher come walking in. She had quite a following of people with her. She came down the aisle and sat in the row of seats behind me in the auditorium. I was so excited when she spoke to me that I interrupted her to respond. The auditorium fell silent.
She said, “Come sit by me” and I did, silently. I said nothing. She took my hand and then told me to go outside with her. She told me to follow her around this open space but she made me stand in front of her. I was confused and not sure how to do this.. In order to “follow her” I had to look over my shoulder. She told me to come walk beside her.
When we were together side by side, she asked, “Is this easier?”
I said, “Yes, much better!”.
She said, “If you follow me, it will be even easier”.
So, I joined the crowd behind her and felt great joy.
I came out of the auditorium laughing and talking with friends and as I turned a corner, Rev. Red Williams was standing there, lit up in a beautiful light. He had passed away and yet he was here. I had loved him so much. I spent many days and nights at his home because one of his daughters and I were friends.
“Rev. Williams, what are you doing here?” I reached up and touched his face.
He said, “Yes, it’s me, Julie. I’ve been sent for a lesson. Your mother is working on it for me right now.” (My mother is a Sunday School teacher.) I began to cry.
He said, “That’s it, just let go.”
I reached up to hug him and said into his ear, “Do you know how much you meant to me? Do you know what an impact praying for others with your family in the evenings made on me?”
He said, “yes”.
At that time, I heard my name being called by the doctor. It was 6:00am and the doctor was there to tell me that I was going home.
To say this was a powerful dream is an understatement. Apparently, I needed to be reminded of several things before I went home. First was not forget how much easier life is if I follow God’s lead and walk in His path. I believe Rev. Williams was there to remind me of the power of prayer. I needed to pray for others because I had so many praying for me.
Fast forward ten months, Chris had committed suicide and I was heartbroken. I didn’t know what to do to survive and how to be there for others that were also suffering, like our children and parents.
I remembered this dream that first day and shared it with my minister when he arrived. Before he said what he thought it meant, he asked me what I thought. I told him that my deciphering of it led me to believe that God had been preparing me for this moment. He agreed. God gave me that dream to provide me with strength for trials ahead.
God was telling me how to survive this heartbreak and the journey of grief :
- Allow Him to lead me by faith
- Pray for myself and others
6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. James 1:6. New International Version (NIV)
Love, Mercy, and Grace 