Month: November 2017

Today, I have hit a wall. It is going to take everything within me to push it over- to rely on my faith and God’s help to move it. Sometimes the smallest thing can stop you on your tracks. You can be going along fine and dandy and then, WHAM! You’re on the floor trying to pick yourself up again. And today, it was having to stop what I️ was doing to go pick up a ham! I’m sure that was just the perverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It was something that Chris would have done for me. He would have also fixed the doggie gate issue I️ had earlier today as well. But here I sit in my car in a parking lot falling apart and trying to put on the “I don’t care what you think of me face” because I look like crap as I️ head into the HoneyBaked Ham store. No hiding the grief today. I am alone. I am surrounded by wonderful children and family and friends but I am alone. For 27 years, I was not alone. Alone isn’t just a physical state of being either. It’s mental. it’s not having the one who knows you better than anyone else in the world not there beside you. I miss my best friend and partner.

I’m putting this in writing to heal my heart but hopefully you can see that grief isn’t this emotion that you get to tuck away one day and never experience again. It gets better. We heal, but we are not completely whole again. It’s a process. I had a real moment today and wanted you to know so when you have yours, you’ll know it’s okay.

As I finish writing, I begin to feel my strength returning, my fortitude. God is good always but especially when we call out to Him for help.

As we near the holiday season, my emotions run like a roller coaster at an amusement park. This will be my 6th holiday season without Chris. I have friends who are facing their first without their loved one and others their second and third. It gets easier but the overwhelming feeling of loss is always just around the corner; like I can feel it but haven’t fallen apart yet. It will happen. It’s just a matter of when and how often.

Making plans for gathering with family is not the same. I have to do it alone- the menu, the decorations, the shopping, and cleaning and decorating. Okay, Chris didn’t do much decorating but he was a great cleaner and sou chef! My precious children step up and help. It isn’t the same but it’s good. I reel in my feeling of loss and focus on how great it is that our children will all be here. Focusing on my blessings is usually what keeps me grounded.

There’s no right or wrong way to do the holidays without your loved one. You have to figure out the best way for your family to survive it. For some, doing the same thing is comforting. The routine of it is important to keep in place. Personally, I couldn’t handle doing it the same. I wanted to have Thanksgiving but not in our home, not where the memories were just lying in wait for me. I didn’t know what to do. I prayed and talked to Chris. The answer came to me- We rented a house in the north Georgia mountains. We had a wonderful time. The company was great. The setting was beautiful. We prepared all of the traditional foods. Well, Honeybaked Hams prepared the turkey and ham for us! We lit a candle to honor Chris and prayed a special Thanksgiving prayer giving thanks for him. It was different, but it was still good. We laughed and created wonderful memories that year. I believe Chris was with us in spirit. I believe he was happy that we were together and laughing. We returned to the mountains the following year as well. Then, our son and his wife hosted us and all of the Mayvilles in their new home outside of Atlanta; such a very special time. This year everyone will be at home with me. It’s a different house but it’s going to be good. We’ve had time to establish this new place as Home. I am excited about having our children and grandson and my son’s in-laws and friends here to give thanks for all of our blessings. There will be a candle lit this year and we will laugh as we share sweet memories of Chris being Chris.

And then there’s Christmas. Facing the first Christmas was more difficult for me because of all of the shopping and decorating and traditions that I was going to have to do alone. Chris and I enjoyed shopping and decorating together. We laughed at the wonkiness of the lights as I️ strung my side tightly and his were strung loosely! The thought of facing and completing the tasks alone was overwhelming. I still struggle with shopping for everyone on my own. He loved being a part of that whole process-even the wrapping! Selecting a tree without him was awful for me. My youngest daughter went with me that first year and together we survived it. I had it delivered and set up by the local nursery we bought it from. Then, it sat there empty, naked if you will, and I considered leaving it like. My daughters weren’t going to let that happen! I swear every time I would attempt to do the lights, I just lost it. My friend and hair stylist had given me her nephew’s name and number and told me he would come and decorate the tree for me for a fee. I gave in and called him. Blessedly, he came in and did it while I was gone. I was so glad that I did that. It was money well-spent. After all, my sanity is worth something! I have done the decorating since that first year but I did give in and purchase a pre-lit artificial tree. That saved me the two worst steps of the process for me- selecting the tree and getting lights strung up on it.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were very difficult that first year but I put on my big girl panties and did what needed to be done for the children’s sake. I prayed and prayed for the strength to get through those hours. I prayed my way through it. It was different but ultimately it was good.

My prayer for those of you who are without a loved one this holiday season is that you will find a way to celebrate with family and friends that you can embrace. That you will find a special way to honor your loved one and give thanks for the time you had with them on this earth.

Be gentle with yourself. Bow out when you have to. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You need to do what is best for you and your children. Include your children in the discussion of your plans, especially if you are considering modifying your celebration. Let the tears flow and don’t make excuses for them. Everyone around you loves you and knows that you will miss your loved ones presence.

I’d like to recommend a book for you to read that I found very helpful leading up to the holidays. It’s called The Empty Chair by Robert C. De Vries.

From the Inside Flap<<<<<<
irestorm blazing through a forest, the grief of losing a loved one seems to leave nothing but ashes in its path. The hope and meaning in life appear to vanish. And at no time is that pain more acute than on holidays and other special occasions.<

et even after a forest fire, eventually there is new growth. Out of the devastation of grief you can begin again.

n The Empty Chair, the authors, who have each experienced the death of a spouse, share both pastoral and mental health insights on how you can handle significant days. Offering a comforting blend of emotional support, spiritual guidance, and personal experience, this book is a reflective yet practical approach to finding peace and joy on your journey through grief.

I miss the walks we took together, but I remember them well. My favorite was the first walk we took together as husband and wife, 31 years ago today, down the aisle of Bethany UMC. Our walks were always special.

I remember our walks on La Vida golf course when I was pregnant with Carter. Chris always pushed me to go further than I thought I could. (Hmm, that’s true of many parts of our life together!) During one particularly difficult walk, I looked at him and said, “Um, I think I’m in labor.” He laughed and said, “Good one! Keep walking!” So, I did and about three o’clock in the morning we went to the hospital! Lol!

I loved walking hand in hand with him through the streets of Charleston and Savannah. But, the best walks were on the beach, whether it was Tybee, Surfside, or St. Simons.

The pictures of us walking hand in hand were taken by our youngest daughter, Katie. I’m so thankful that she thought to capture the moment. They remind me that we walked together, side by side and hand in hand. I only wish he had shared the depth of his pain with me instead of keeping it from me.

I miss him more than words can ever express and I treasure every moment we shared together. I am thankful for the pictures that bring yesterday to today.

I loved you then, I love you today and I look to the days we will spend together in eternity with our Heavenly Father.

Until then, I will focus on living my life to the fullest as I know you want me to do. May God direct my path and lead me where He wants me to go and give me the strength to do it.

I read a Washington Post article posted on FB by The Modern Widow group that was very sad to me. It was a perspective article titled: I’m a widow: Why do people think I cannot handle a wedding?

The content revolved around a widow whose in-laws hadn’t invited her to a family wedding because they didn’t think she could handle it. She also talked about the distance she felt between her in-laws and herself. She felt like she should have been invited and allowed to decide whether or not she could handle it for herself; not for them to make that decision for her.

It isn’t easy and maybe I am a reminder of their loss when I am there without their brother, son, and uncle; but, I have been blessed to have not felt shut out by my husband’s family. Chris has two sisters and four brothers. After his death his brothers all stepped up to offer their help in any way that they could. They comforted our children as if they were their own. They showed up for special events and took care of the children whenever they were in Atlanta or Maryland. My son and his wife went to college near several of their uncles and were always welcome to come enjoy a family gathering, watch football with them, and even do their laundry! My oldest daughter moved to Maryland to be an assistant coach for a college soccer team. The only reason I wasn’t a complete basket case was because her aunt and uncle were only an hour away. They even traveled to watch a game. I have continued to stay in their homes. We have had Thanksgiving and birthday celebrations together.

I know a positive relationship with in-laws doesn’t exist for everyone. I’m sorry that this is the case. Maybe it isn’t true or possible for everyone but I hope I can make others realize how important it is to maintain positive relationships with your spouse’s relatives and for relatives of the deceased to maintain a positive relationship with their loved one’s spouse. There is enough isolation present in grieving without adding isolation and anger from relatives.

Maybe it’s because Chris and I made the effort to spend time with them, but we’ve always been close. I have always loved being a part of this big, fun-loving family. Our children are friends with their cousins. They have special relationships and I think that’s awesome! I am so very thankful for all of our continued relationships.

Chris’s death shook all of our worlds. There was nothing I could say to them to comfort them. I couldn’t explain what happened. I would have never imagined that he would commit suicide. We had a long talk with each other after his friend committed suicide less than a year before he did. I told him there was nothing we couldn’t get through, to please never leave us like that. And yet he found himself in so much pain that he couldn’t see another way out. My heart is still broken.

There is still an emptiness inside me; however, I can also say in the same sentence that my cups runneth over with blessings from God. My faith in God and His presence in my life has sustained me the last five years and eight months.

I am thankful to my family and friends for all of their love and support, but I am also thankful to Chris’s family and friends for their love and support. I hope I have been able to show my love and support to them as well. I hope and pray that you are blessed with a positive relationship with your in-laws. The importance of these relationships becomes even more evident in the face of death. Do all you can to mend those that are broken and nurture them.

I am writing this as I prepare to attend my second family wedding. My brother-in-law’s oldest child is getting married. I couldn’t be more excited to be there to witness this marriage and to celebrate with Chris’s family. I am so happy that I received the invitation and had the opportunity to decide whether or not I could handle attending a wedding.