With every ornament I unwrap to decorate the tree, and every card I sign without his name, I think of Chris. I remember our Christmases together. I am blessed to have shared 28 with him. He loved every part of Christmas. He even tried to propose by placing my ring on my tree with the hope that I would find it there. I blew that one! When I didn’t see it for a day, he had to resort to plan B, which was walking our favorite walk in Charleston, along the Battery, and stopping to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him.
Stringing lights on the tree with him was always quite the experience! He would skip a row of branches on his side and I hit every row and sometimes twice. The tree was lit a little lopsided! We just turned my side to the window. Then, there was the Christmas tree with absolutely the most crooked trunk you could imagine that we could not get to balance in the stand. It fell over the night we finished decorating it- losing a few ornaments. The next thing I knew, Chris was anchoring the tree to the wall with fishing line. Lol! The next year he came home with a tree that he bought right off the truck still in the netting. I was upset because we didn’t go together but after the previous year’s disaster, I let it go. I want you to know that darn tree was one of our prettiest!
We talked about each ornament- who gave it to us or where did we get it from. He loved hanging the children’s handmade ornaments. We loved sitting together in front of the tree, talking, reading, drinking hot chocolate. Thus my challenge to get the tree up and decorated.
The first Christmas after Chris died was difficult in many ways. I was tasked with doing everything- decorating, cooking, shopping, wrapping. I purchased the tree from a local store and paid them to deliver and set it up in the house. After falling apart trying to put up the lights alone, a friend’s nephew who does this for a living came and put a thousand lights on the tree. It was gorgeous. Two years ago, I broke down and bought a pre-lit artificial tree. It’s a pretty tree, but it’s still a challenge to hang the ornaments. This year there were no tears, just sweet memories.
There is excitement in the air because the children and my grandson will all be here gathered here together after Christmas. There is still emptiness because Chris won’t be present with us, although I believe his spirit will be.
I have an ornament on the tree in memory of him this year. It’s the first time, I’ve been able to do it although I have seen them every year.
I have asked the children to each make some donation to a charity in memory of their dad. I am participating as well, of course. They are to write the name of the charity or what act of kindness they did and why they chose it and place it in an envelope. They’ll be placed in Chris’s stocking, which I haven’t been able to hang before this year. We’ll start our gifting by sharing those envelopes. Yes, I wish we had done this before now but I honestly wasn’t ready to.
The Joy of this season for me is the birth of Jesus, God’s son. It is having my children surround me with their love and laughter. It is visiting with my parents who I am blessed to still have with me on this earth. And last but certainly not least, Joy will be in the eyes of my precious grandson and I don’t want to miss one second of it!
I speak openly with God about my grief. I ask for guidance on the path I am traveling. I ask for strength to endure events. I ask for strength to get up and be productive. I am only able to accomplish what I do with God’s help. I do not walk this path alone. Grieving is a journey. It is a journey you must take on your own but God is beside you guiding you if you let Him. It is a journey of faith, without a time frame. It is only with love, mercy, and grace that I am able to walk this path.
My prayer for all facing the holiday season without a loved one is that you are able to see joy in this season, that you are able to enjoy the memories of your loved one, and that God will wrap His loving arms around you and give you peace.
Merry Christmas!
Happy Hanukkah!
Happy New Year!
Love, Mercy, and Grace 