Last week 21 year old Tyler Hilenski, a young man who from the outside seemed to have everything going for him, ended his life. My heart is breaking for his family.
In the comment section of the news article about his death, I read the following comment:
When I hear these stories I can’t imagine the thought process in the victim’s head. From here on out I only hope people always think of others left behind after you’re gone. Hopefully this thought alone will be enough to prevent someone from following through with suicide. I am in prayer for strength to turn to Christ in the drastic times we live in today.
I found myself instantly responding to this comment to provide a better understanding of suicide for this person. He has it so wrong. I wrote:
The victim does think of those who will be left behind. He believes the family will be better off with him gone. He won’t be a burden to them anymore.
Depression is a real and serious Illness. His mind has taken him on a very lonely journey.
Suicide is a word that strikes heartache to the core of everyone. It’s a hush-hush word. No one likes to talk about it. What can you say? It’s a tragedy. There’s great suffering associated with it.
Most often people will say, “I can’t believe this happened,” or ” I was afraid something Iike this was going to happen”.
I certainly didn’t say the latter. Chris’s suicide rocked “our world”.
I’ve done so much reading on suicide since my sweet husband committed suicide in February 2012. Why read about it after and not before you might ask. I never knew I needed to read about it before. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he would consider taking his life. He loved the children and me too much to leave us like that. Following the suicide of a close friend of his, we had a conversation about the fallout of his suicide- how it affected everyone around him. I told him then that nothing was bad enough to end your life over- that we were together for better or worse. That didn’t stop him.
I suffer with anxiety and depression myself but even when I was at my lowest, I never considered suicide to be an option. But that was me. It wasn’t Chris. He suffered silently. If you haven’t read about depression in men, I strongly suggest doing some reading. It is quite eye-opening.
I believe he was in a dark place with his self image that led him to think we, his family, would be better off without him. Maybe he felt he had let us down in some way. Maybe he felt lost. Only our Heavenly Father knows the thinking of his mind during those months and weeks leading to February 20th. I have beat myself up trying to make sense of it. He wasn’t his normal happy self but I also knew he was struggling with career choices. He had worked through similar situations before with positive results. I was supportive, encouraging and loving him through it but this time was apparently this time was very different and I didn’t realize it in time.
Last summer I read the book My Living Will by John Trautwein. It is the true story of a family’s journey of grief following the suicide of their 15 year old son. There had been no warnings, no obvious signs. A family and community were left stunned as they pondered how a young man like Will Trautwein, a healthy, happy, popular, athletic, and musical teenager, who came from such a loving home could lose the will to live. While it was difficult to read, it was also good to read and see a path similar to mine.
Godvine posted an article on FB yesterday that asked “Do Christians who commit suicide still go to heaven?”
Of course I had to go read it and was pleased that the article presented information to give a “yes” to that question. I believe from the moment of his death that Chris was welcomed into heaven with the loving arms of our heavenly Father. God took away all of his pain and told him he could rest now. So, as I read comments, I was shocked by some of the judgements people were making. A woman wrote, “As for suicide, that is a cowardly and self-centered way to die. People who choose suicide care nothing for their family and friends.” Others posted that committing suicide is committing murder and murder is sin. I say, until you arrive in heaven or lose someone you love through suicide, you cannot know how God has judged them.
Below is my comment to the article:
My husband and best friend of 25 years and the father of three wonderful children to whom he was a fabulous father was NOT a coward nor was he self-centered. He loved his family and friends with his whole heart. A kinder man you would have difficulty finding. He was doing battle with depression that he could no longer handle. His mind took him to a dark place where the love of his family and friends wasn’t enough to save him. His Heavenly Father did save him. I believe with all of my being that God was with him as he struggled with his decision and as he carried it out. I believe God tried to help him stay but the darkness was stronger. God was waiting for him and welcomed him to His Heavenly home to rest and live with pain no more. I believe that he is finally at peace. I look to the day that I join him in heaven and we walk together hand in hand for forever. Until you educate yourself on depression or have a loved one commit suicide, please do not stand in judgement of someone who commits suicide. I would suggest that you read My Living Will by John Trautwein. May God bless you and your family.
During the 5 years and 11 months since Chris’s death by suicide, I have kept much of these thoughts to myself. I hope and pray that I have not hurt my family in speaking out but I haven’t had anything upset me like this during that time either. I have prayed to God asking if speaking out is right. Maybe he led me to this and knew it was time for me to speak out. I have relied heavily on my faith to get me through this journey of grief. When things have weighed heavily on my heart, God has directed my path. I have tried to let this go for days now and when the Godvine article appeared last night, I was brought right back to it.
I pray God’s blessing on all who read this and may you find your hearts and minds open.
Take care of your loved ones and if anyone is showing signs of depression, try to get help for them. Ultimately they have to be willing to accept your help. If you are suffering from depression that leads you to thoughts of suicide, please reach out and seek help. There are many resources available to help you.
I am surrounded by love, seeking mercy and receiving grace.
“In all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death or life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39
Love, Mercy, and Grace 