Everyone has their own traditions for celebrating each holiday, including Valentine’s Day. Some people ignore it because “it’s just a gimmick created by Hallmark” to get people to spend money on cards, candy, stuffed animals and flowers. Others celebrate with fancy dinners, flowers, candy and/or gifts of jewelry. I have to say Chris and I fell into a category somewhere between the two. Chris always gave me flowers. He would have them delivered to school or bring them home to me at the end of the day. 
The most special gift of all was a rose bush that produced the most beautiful small buds. I’m pretty sure he gave it to me about 10 years ago. For those of you who know me, you know that I can kill a plant just by looking at it. I did not inherit my mother and grandmother’s green thumb! It’s pretty darn amazing that it survived as long as it did. Yes, I used past tense. It appears as though I may have killed it. It breaks my heart. It was a physical hold that I had on our love and now it’s gone. I’m keep telling myself that this physical reminder is gone but the memory of the gift and the two of us planting it in a huge pot is still with me. It won’t ever die.
My gift to Chris was always something fun or creative- Valentine’s boxers, a red shirt or sweater, a red toolbox, a candy poem. I had fun thinking of what to do for him and planning it out. 
We weren’t big on going out to dinner for Valentine’s Day, especially after we had children. I would cook an Italian dinner -spaghetti and meatballs- with salad and bread, of course. We would eat together as a family because in our house Valentine’s was a day to celebrate ALL love, not just love between a couple. The kids gave cards and candy to their friends and teachers. Chris and I gave gifts to each child- again some small token of our love.
Our last Valentine’s Day together was spent with a dear friend and his new bride at Ruth’s Chris in Savannah. We weren’t especially excited to be going out on Valentine’s Day but really wanted to make the evening special for our friends. We had a lovely evening together. On our way home, we both remarked about how nice everything was and that we were glad we had done it. I won’t ever forget that night -our last Valentine’s Day. Six days later, Chris was gone. For those who don’t know, he committed suicide. We had this beautiful evening together and six days later, he was gone.
So what do you do on Valentine’s Day when the love of your life is in heaven and your children are grown and gone. You do something for yourself! Make dinner plans with other single friends. Go buy your own flowers and enjoy them. Treat yourself to a spa day or just a manicure and pedicure. Buy your favorite candy and watch Wonder Woman. Sign up for a wine and paint session. Order delivery, crank the music and have your own dance party.
Part of this year’s plan has been made for me. It’s Ash Wednesday. I’ll go to the service at my church. This Valentine’s Day, I think I’ll focus on God’s love for me and my love for Him. Maybe you will, too.
Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return
Love, Mercy, and Grace 
Thanks for sharing this. MAY God give you the strength to go on. But why did Chris commit suicide when your life was so good? I am curious to know…
He was struggling with hidden depression. He had recently made a job change that had been pretty difficult and wasn’t especially happy with what he was doing. Actually He was never happy with his career, was always saying he didn’t know what he wanted to be when he grew up.
I am really sorry to hear about this. Depression is, indeed, a terrible monster. It takes away your loved ones without giving you a chance to do something about it.
Depression is, indeed, a terrible monster. It takes away people without giving their loved ones any chance to do something about it.
Yes, it is. I knew he was struggling but I had no idea he thought we’d be better off if he was gone. I believe that he knows how much we grieved his loss and knows that we have forgiven him for leaving us and he is finally at peace.