I hate today. It’s President’s Day – a holiday. I should like it, but I don’t. I use that word “hate” on rare occasions. I don’t hate many things, maybe brussel sprouts and extreme heat and cold. I’m adding President’s Day to that list.
President’s Day seven years ago was the last time I kissed my sweet husband goodbye in the morning, the last day I saw his beautiful smile, and the last time I heard his kind, soft voice. He left with our youngest daughter to take her to soccer practice and to go to work. I was still in my pajamas, as I had the day off from teaching. He told me not to forget to pick up Katie from practice. He told me he loved me and kissed me on the forehead. I said, “I love you” and I watched him walk out the door, never to come back through it again.
The toughest part, he knew he wasn’t coming home again. I didn’t. He walked through the day knowing that when it was time to come home at the end of the day; he wouldn’t. He knew he his life on earth would end that day because he was going to do it. I wish I knew what he was thinking that day, all day. I wish I knew what he was thinking in the week before that day. I’ve tried to imagine. I’ve tried to understand. What I do know now is that he was hurting and struggling and fighting depression alone. I know that he didn’t share with anyone the battle he was fighting in his head to stay alive. This man who was always there for me and for our children and for his family and my family and for his friends, felt alone. He had all these people who loved him surrounding him but he was alone. To say I never saw this coming would be an understatement. I would have never imagined a scenario where he would commit suicide, where he would think that leaving us this way was the answer to his struggle.
So while it was actually the 19th when he didn’t come home, it was President’s Day. I can’t go through President’s Day weekend without reliving the 2012 holiday weekend.
The night of the 19th was the night he didn’t come home, but it was President’s Day. It will always be President’s Day for me. It’s the worst day of the year for me. I hate it.
Thankfully, I am blessed to have three amazing children, plus two fabulous “in laws” and a wonderful grandson. They keep me busy, but especially during this week of the year. I am in Jacksonville, Florida with my oldest daughter this year. We have had a busy and fun weekend together. My family and friends always keep me grounded and God’s amazing grace continues to give me hope.
I am moving forward and healing, but there will always be grief. Today that grief is bitter. I can look back and see how far I’ve come on the journey but today is hard. It will always be hard no matter what the number on the calendar says it is today. Ask me what my favorite holiday is and I will say Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or Fourth of July, but ask me what my least favorite holiday is and I will always answer President’s Day.
This is my prayer today…..
Dear God, be with my children and their spouses, my family and friends and Chris’s parents and his brothers and sisters as we mourn the loss of one so precious to us. May You give us the strength we need to continue our journey of healing. May You keep us focused on living the life You have planned for us and moving forward. May our memories of Chris bring us comfort and peace today and every day. Remind us to be thankful for the days we had with Chris, not to regret the days we don’t have with him. Amen.
Be sure to say “I love you” to those you love every day because you truly don’t know when it will be the time you say it. I am thankful that I said it to Chris that morning. I hope he remembered it as he went through the day. At least I know when was the last time he heard those words.
Hold your loved ones tighter today for me. ❤️
Love, Mercy, and Grace 