Author: jmayville

Psalm 55:22 

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Last Tuesday was an especially difficult day for me. I had been gone for basically ten days with my mom and when I got to the barn, the work in front of me was huge. I was overwhelmed. Life itself, in that moment, was overwhelming.

 I cried out for help. I prayed for a way to keep my ministry of horse therapy going; because, in that moment I didn’t see how I could continue. Too much was falling on my plate and I just didn’t see how I was going to be able to do all that was required of me. 

I was exhausted and had horrible back pain and I hadn’t done any work with the horses. I was just cleaning poop and raking leaves and limbs. By the time I finished doing that, I physically couldn’t groom or work with the horses. Thankfully, Katie and Dylan agreed to come take care of them for me. 

I started this ministry as a path that I believe God put me on to serve others for Him. I prayed Tuesday that He would help me find a way to keep going. Surely, Minis 2 Love couldn’t be done yet; or, could it? 

I had to find help. Who could I call? I messaged a young girl, who comes out to the barn almost every day with her mom, to see if she’d be interested in a small paying job helping me with the cleaning. She agreed! Her help is going to allow more time for me with the horses. 

Another issue I was dealing with Tuesday was that I had a therapy visit with one of our treasured nursing homes coming up Thursday and didn’t have anyone to go with me as a second. I could have made it to some of our small facilities on my own but this was too big of a task. What was I going to do?! Driving home, I thought I’d reach out to a dear friend who had volunteered at the barn a couple of times to see if she could possibly go with me. She said, “Yes!”

Wednesday, on our visit to Azalealand Nursing Home, Penny, Huck, and I met Summer, a young woman, working there. She had an instant love connection with Huck! As we talked, we found out that she had tragically lost her husband a few short weeks before. Because she felt this instant connection to Huck, I invited her out to the barn for some personal horse therapy. I gave her one of our cards and was determined to follow up with her. I did and she was at the barn yesterday. 

Friday of the same week a dilemma that Katie and I had been struggling with was solved in the most beautiful and perfect way ever. Katie knew she’d never sell Cloud but he needed someone to work with him and keep him active. A barn friend approached Katie to ask about his disposition and to see if her daughter could give him a test ride. Katie enthusiastically agreed. If you could have the seen the smile on this ten year old little girl’s face when Katie handed her the lead rope to walk him out of the pasture, you’d have cried right along with her mother and me. The smile never left her face while she groomed him, saddled him up, and the was able to mount him successfully on first effort! She rode around the arena and driveways with the same smile. Needless to say, she is now leasing Cloud. Katie as owner can still put her nephews on him when they come to town. It’s the best for Cloud and all involved.

Just after this happened, I received a text message from my friend and volunteer Lisa that Tuesday would be her last day working her long term sub position and she couldn’t wait to get back to working with the minis and our visits! 

I love you all and appreciate your support more than you will ever know.

God is good every day. God answered prayers when fervently asked. Sometimes the answer is no and we have to accept it. Sometimes it’s a big “yes”. My prayers for the continuation of the ministry of Minis 2 Love to brings comfort, smiles and even a moment of peace and joy was answered. We’ll continue our work glorifying God as we move forward for allowing us the opportunity to serve Him and his people this way.

There have been, and truthfully still are, no words. No words for the loss of my amazingly kind, funny, and loving son-in-law, Robbie. So, I haven’t posted anything anywhere because I simply haven’t known what to say. Today I know one word: love.

The love of God who has surrounded us with His peace.

The love of family and friends who have shown up from around town and across the states to share their personal sorrow at the loss of Robbie in their lives and who shared stories and laughed and cried with us.

The love of family and friends who didn’t know Robbie well but know and love us and have given comforting hugs, and have brought us food, supplies, and drinks.

There’s the love of people who just show up and do things.

The love of people who who sent beautiful flowers to surround us yesterday.

All of this has been overwhelming and a testament to the impact Robbie made in the lives of those he met during his short time here on earth with us. We’d like to thank each of you for loving Robbie and loving us.

Then there’s the love between Robbie and Katie.If you didn’t know or believe in the trueness of their love for one another, all you had to do was be around them for a few minutes. Even better, look at pictures of the two of them.

Theirs is a love story for all time. They were two people who each had broken pieces, were able to help the other heal and then grew stronger together as a couple. Their bond to one another was strengthened by their faith in God. They believed in one another and their love when others, including family members, doubted.

I’ll never forget the day we met one another. I was fired up and ready to have a go at this man who was 20 plus years older than my 20 year old daughter he was dating. I did take a Xanax to hopefully avoid an arrest for assault and battery. I wanted so badly not to like this man. I wanted to be able to tell him I couldn’t support this dating situation. If you haven’t figured it out by now, that’s not exactly how the meeting went down.

He was definitely anxious about meeting me. It went exactly opposite of how I’d imagined! I was the sweet, filled with southern grace mom I was raised to be. I left having basically given them my blessing! What happened?!?! Robert Nathan Wilkinson happened!

I watched them like a hawk still holding reservations about this relationship. Six months passed and I saw positive changes in Katie. She was having fun again. She was laughing and sharing stories. Robbie came around often. They were sharing more and more time together and I was liking him more and more. They came over and had dinner with me or we’d go out to eat at least once a week. It eventually became a Friday night event. Going to the barn was our Saturday/Sunday morning activity. He enjoyed the horses. He was great with the bigs and the minis. He worked really hard cleaning and helping out over there. He was the “Minis 2 Love Head Groundskeeper”. He eagerly offered to help out around the house, even fixed a faucet!

Robbie loved Katie with all his heart. He took care of her. He accepted her. He worried about her. He wanted the best for her. He protected her. He encouraged her. He supported her emotionally. He made her happy.
Katie loved Robbie with all her heart. She was able to share her sorrow over the loss of her father with him. She took care of him. She was compassionate. She listened to his work stories. She encouraged him. She accepted him. She made him happy. (I’ve heard that statement so many times in these last six days.)
Yep! All the things you look for in a relationship! They had that and more.

Approximately a year after that first meeting, in the early days of December, 2018, I received a phone call from Robbie asking me to meet him at the church. I knew this was it! He was going to ask for permission to marry Katie. And in the memorial garden where Chris’s ashes are laid to rest, he said that he loved her with all of his heart and soul and then asked if he could have her hand in marriage. I said, “Yes”.

He was everything to my Katie. Now, he is in heaven, way too soon, and she is left heartbroken. She isn’t alone in that. Vickie had to bury her son. No parent should ever have to do that. It isn’t right. His brother, Chuck, and his family have lost a brother and uncle who was absolutely #1 in their hearts. Katie’s brother and sisters and I hurt because we will miss his presence in our home. His friends are hurting, too.

Rob, or Robbie, as he was called by his family and closest friends, lit up a room when he entered. His smile and laughter was infectious. His one-liners and accents could lay you on the floor laughing. (Think Todd Chrisley) His sense of humor and love of life was larger than life itself. He loved big. He gave big. He was kind and gentle. He wrapped you up in a hug to welcome you or say goodbye and when he gave you one because you were sad, it made everything better.

He loved animals almost as much as Katie did. We fondly called him the “horse whisperer” at barn. The horses loved him. He had conversations with them. They were calm and quiet around him. He purchased his heart horse less than a month ago. He fell in love with Cloud the day he met him several years ago. Ms Debbie put him up for sale last month and Robbie said he was taking out a loan and getting him. And he did. He will be Katie’s horse now. She will love him and work with him and ride him till the end of their days. Jameson, their black lab, is missing him. Oh how they loved each other! He was Katie’s dog before they met and then he was Robbie’s. Lol! My Tucker loved him as well. I was chopped liver to him when Robbie was here. Katie and Robbie ran a segment on a rescue dogs transport to a new home.

No one will ever say, “Ms Julie” to me the way he did. He was the perfect man for Katie. He was all a parent could/would ever want for their child in a relationship and marriage. He would do anything for her, including a trip to a Florida safari where she could hold a sloth for thirty minutes. She thought he hung the moon and he would have given it to her. Best friends- through good and bad- love- pure love.

Katie will finish school and graduate in December because he required that of her. It was a promise he made me when they were dating and when they were engaged. She will finish school. She will even walk across that stage, that she swore she wouldn’t do, because he wanted her to. (She was caught in the change from ASU to GSU @ Armstrong. She is not a GS student and hates that it will be on her diploma as such.)

The funeral service for Robbie was perfect. We sang two of his favorite hymns. I struggled but I sang out because Robbie loved singing hymns. Darryl “Bubba” spoke. David prayed. Rev. Bishop preached “The Word” and touched us all. We will put our trust in God and begin the journey of healing. God will guide us in the direction we should go from here. We will grieve profoundly because the love was profound.

Bear with us. Pray for us. Hold us in your thoughts. Most of all, live your life well. You never know when your time is up. Robbie did know Monday was his last day but he lived it fully as he did every day. He wasn’t ready to leave his family, his wife, his friends, his life, but he was right with God. And God welcomed him to his heavenly home with the words, “ Job well done, my son.”

I hate today. It’s President’s Day – a holiday. I should like it, but I don’t. I use that word “hate” on rare occasions. I don’t hate many things, maybe brussel sprouts and extreme heat and cold. I’m adding President’s Day to that list.

President’s Day seven years ago was the last time I kissed my sweet husband goodbye in the morning, the last day I saw his beautiful smile, and the last time I heard his kind, soft voice. He left with our youngest daughter to take her to soccer practice and to go to work. I was still in my pajamas, as I had the day off from teaching. He told me not to forget to pick up Katie from practice. He told me he loved me and kissed me on the forehead. I said, “I love you” and I watched him walk out the door, never to come back through it again.

The toughest part, he knew he wasn’t coming home again. I didn’t. He walked through the day knowing that when it was time to come home at the end of the day; he wouldn’t. He knew he his life on earth would end that day because he was going to do it. I wish I knew what he was thinking that day, all day. I wish I knew what he was thinking in the week before that day. I’ve tried to imagine. I’ve tried to understand. What I do know now is that he was hurting and struggling and fighting depression alone. I know that he didn’t share with anyone the battle he was fighting in his head to stay alive. This man who was always there for me and for our children and for his family and my family and for his friends, felt alone. He had all these people who loved him surrounding him but he was alone. To say I never saw this coming would be an understatement. I would have never imagined a scenario where he would commit suicide, where he would think that leaving us this way was the answer to his struggle.

So while it was actually the 19th when he didn’t come home, it was President’s Day. I can’t go through President’s Day weekend without reliving the 2012 holiday weekend.

The night of the 19th was the night he didn’t come home, but it was President’s Day. It will always be President’s Day for me. It’s the worst day of the year for me. I hate it.

Thankfully, I am blessed to have three amazing children, plus two fabulous “in laws” and a wonderful grandson. They keep me busy, but especially during this week of the year. I am in Jacksonville, Florida with my oldest daughter this year. We have had a busy and fun weekend together. My family and friends always keep me grounded and God’s amazing grace continues to give me hope.

I am moving forward and healing, but there will always be grief. Today that grief is bitter. I can look back and see how far I’ve come on the journey but today is hard. It will always be hard no matter what the number on the calendar says it is today. Ask me what my favorite holiday is and I will say Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or Fourth of July, but ask me what my least favorite holiday is and I will always answer President’s Day.

This is my prayer today…..

Dear God, be with my children and their spouses, my family and friends and Chris’s parents and his brothers and sisters as we mourn the loss of one so precious to us. May You give us the strength we need to continue our journey of healing. May You keep us focused on living the life You have planned for us and moving forward. May our memories of Chris bring us comfort and peace today and every day. Remind us to be thankful for the days we had with Chris, not to regret the days we don’t have with him. Amen.

Be sure to say “I love you” to those you love every day because you truly don’t know when it will be the time you say it. I am thankful that I said it to Chris that morning. I hope he remembered it as he went through the day. At least I know when was the last time he heard those words.

Hold your loved ones tighter today for me. ❤️

The anticipation and preparation leading up to the holiday is different now. Of course, a large part of that comes from the empty nest syndrome I’m in all by myself. I do recognize that.

I will admit Halloween was not a holiday I looked forward to very much, even when the children were little.I was a teacher at that time and by the time I had managed to survive a day with elementary school children on Halloween, I didn’t have much left in me for the excitement level to match my own children’s. I was exhausted, but as soon as we walked through the doors of the house, we went full speed ahead to eat some pizza and get dressed.

Remember, prior to the actual day of the event there were days of costume preparation taking place- the decision on what to be, how to execute it, purchasing the supplies, and actually putting the costume together. Okay, I admit to purchasing some ready made costumes to make my work a little less stressful.

Back to the day of…Once I had managed to get everyone dressed and happy, it was Chris’s turn. Most years he walked the kids around without me. I would go to the first couple of houses and then retreat back home to hand out the candy. He was a lifesaver! On those rare Halloweens that occurred on Saturday, I actually enjoyed the festivities! Once my son was too old to participate, I let him hand out the candy and Chris and I walked with our friends while the kiddos ran ahead of us. That was a fun time.

The memories have been running through my head all day- Halloween with the church group at The Landings, the first Trick or Treat for each child, the fun costumes, the laughter, and Chris scaring the kids.

Those days are long gone but I have been pretty blue today and I’m not really into the whole scene this year. I don’t have enough candy- because I’ve eaten most of it. My house isn’t decorated outside at all because I just haven’t made time to do it. My front entrance is clogged with bags and boxes that I dropped there when I unloaded my car yesterday from my week out of town. Tucker won’t be finished with the groomer until at least 5:00. I told her not to rush. We weren’t going anywhere.

Maybe I’ll just sit in a chair out front with my candy basket and pass out candy til it’s gone! I should at least oooo and ahhhh over some costumes, right?!

I wish Chris were here to motivate me, to laugh with me, have a glass of wine and some candy with me; but he’s not. I’m alone. It’s hard to be alone. It’s hard to be one. There’s not an easy fix. I am working on it and know that God is pointing me to the path He wants me to take. It’s been 7 Halloweens and I still struggle with what to do with myself. I’ve given it to God and thankfully He gets me through these tough spots. I spent most of today with my sweet miniature horses, getting them ready for their first outting this Sunday.

I look forward to seeing everyone else’s pictures tonight and vicariously sharing your joy. Have fun and treasure today and the memories you’re making.

I’ve been called many names in my life; some good, some not so good. Being call wife, daughter, MiMi and Mom are blessings beyond compare. Outside of those, one of my favorite names is Moma Mayville. This name was given to me by a very special group of young women.

First, here’s some background information. My oldest daughter began playing travel soccer at the age of 12. For us, travel soccer was more than just traveling to away games on weekends, we traveled to go to home games, too. We even traveled an hour one way to practice during some of this time. Often, we had to put our daughter in the care of others. Sometimes relatives but mostly other parents who were amazing people who became dear friends. They took our daughter in as one of theirs. We were so thankful for them.

Fast forward to college soccer. My daughter chose to play for Armstrong Atlantic State University. She was going to be in Savannah, with us! Woohoo! We were thrilled for many reasons and in hindsight, God had us in His hands for that decision.

There was a parent get together luncheon prior to the first home game of the season. We were able to meet all of the player’s parents. During the “meeting” part of the gathering, Chris and I announced that since we were living here that we would be glad to help the girls or parents out in any way that we could. We gave them our phone numbers and hoped they knew we were serious.

I never imagined how that one statement would change my life. Over the college years, we helped with car issues and gave doctor recommendations. We had international student athletes have Thanksgiving with us. They rallied around Meghan when she blew out her knee during the Peachbelt Conference Championship game and during her recovery.

I conducted a Creative Thinking Workshop for the Education Department at Armstrong and had AASU Soccer players walk in. That was awesome. One of the most rewarding moments was assisting two AASU education majors to get a teaching position at the school where I worked. They are awesome teachers!

We were part of an incredible group of coaches, young women, and families. We were so blessed.

When Chris committed suicide in 2012, Meghan was still at AASU. The love and support poured down upon our family by the AASU family was unbelievable. I will never forget hearing the voices of these girls fill our home in the days following Chris’s death. It was such a comforting sound. He loved these girls as if they were his own. He wanted nothing but the best for them.

I didn’t know how I’d walk back on the soccer field without him. I didn’t have to; he was right there. My most treasured moment was when my daughter came out of the locker room before the start of the game on her father’s birthday in September with a rose for me. When I looked up, I saw every member of the team coming to me with a rose and a hug. They laid the rose on the bricks we had bought to honor him and Meghan’s love for her dad. My heart was so full at that moment. I get choked up as I sit here writing about it.

It wasn’t much longer before I received a phone call I had hoped to never receive. A dear friend was on the other end asking me to please get to the hospital to be with her daughter who had been in a very serious accident. She was a graduate and former player on the AASU soccer team. She and her husband were on their way from Atlanta and just needed to know that someone she knew and loved would be there with her. My daughter and I rushed to the hospital. Coach Eric wasn’t too far behind us. This precious child had sustained life threatening injuries and I did as I had promised all those years ago- I was there for their child and then I was there for them. I must add that this young woman has astounded everyone with her recovery. It hasn’t been an easy journey but she continues to persevere and work hard to return to a more independent life. Love you, girl! 😘❤️

I was blessed to attend the beautiful wedding of a former player and her sweetheart.

I have enjoyed time spent with a young woman who stayed in Savannah after college and marriage. Her precious daughter stole my heart and my youngest babysat for her.

I have celebrated on FB with many of the girls who have wed and are now wonderful mothers. I’m happy when I read that they are doing so well in their careers, too! I love keeping up with them.

Not too long ago, another former player was preparing to celebrate her marriage to the love of her life. I had the pleasure of being around these two on several different occasions and they have been guests in my home. They were so happy. Their love is so genuine; however, her parents don’t acknowledge the relationship and didn’t attend the wedding because she is gay. They were getting married in Savannah. My daughter asked me if I’d like to go with her. Without hesitation, I said, “Yes!” When I got out of the car, I heard “Moma Mayville” being yelled from the middle of the square! I saw such joy on this young woman’s face when she saw me, my heart melted. She wrapped me in a bear hug and thanked me for coming and being a part of her special day. I wouldn’t have been anywhere else! I was thrilled to be a part of the celebration!

Seventeen years ago, I couldn’t have imagined how important the soccer friendships I’ve made throughout the years would have impacted me. I truly cherish my soccer friends and their awesome daughters and hope they know how much I love them and appreciate their love and support. Although we don’t see each other face to face very often anymore, through the magic of social media we are able to keep up with each other and I love that!

I have to say that being called Moma Mayville is totally awesome. Know that I will always be here for you girls!

“Once a Pirate, Always a Pirate”

Being at the beach, feet in the sand, listening to the waves crash on the shore is not just my happy place. It is also my healing place. When work and life put me at my breaking point, I retreat to the beach- even if I have to go in full clothes with a blanket in the winter.

I wrote this last Sunday sitting on the beach.

When my world fell apart in February 2012, my journey of healing began at the beach. It is where I feel closest to God. I feel His arms wrap around me everywhere but here it is complete with a bear hug! It’s the most amazing feeling in the world to know that He is walking with me.

Where do you feel closest to God? Where do you feel closest to your lost loved one?

Chris and I spent much of our dating time together on Tybee. He lived on 7th Street. I lived in Charleston. When it was my weekend to drive to Savannah, I would meet him on the beach. He would already be there surf fishing or casting a net. He’d have a cooler of drinks, snacks, and a chair waiting on me. My heart would skip a beat when I came across the boardwalk and saw him there. We’d walk and talk for a while and then head to Spanky’s for dinner or grill out at his place. And so our seasons on the beach began!

My parents have a house at Surfside Beach. Not only did we come here during the summer while dating, but for every summer of our married life, I spent the summer here with the children and he traveled here every weekend. The memories created here are truly countless.

My first weekend back after Chris’s death was so hard. My two closest friends, Susan and Shand, brought me. It was important for me to come and wrestle with the memories before coming back with the children that summer.

We came down to the beach and as we walked on the sand to the edge of the water, Susan and Shand stopped and let me go on my own to the water. I stepped in it. It was cold but I had to do it. It’s the first thing I do when I get down here. I put my feet in the water.

Later the girls told me that as they had watched me go to and ultimately into the water,they wondered if they needed to stop me! I laughed. I knew what they meant. While my pain was raw and I was broken, they need not have worried. While I may have thought my life had ended, I knew it hadn’t and I was going to have to reach deep into my well of faith and trust God to pull me through the pain, which He has done and I am grateful for His blessings.

I sit here today surrounded by memories of Chris. I cry, but I smile and am thankful for them. I watch men playing with their children as he did. I see a man with a cast net, catching minnows for his children to watch. I see couples walking side by side/ hand in hand. And I remember him. I remember the trenches he dug out for the children so they had their own ocean pools to sit and play in. It was also their aquarium for the little fish they caught! I stand looking for shells at the water’s edge and remember him standing for hours looking for sharks teeth! He may have had the worst eyesight of us all, but he could spot and catch a shark’s tooth as the waves washed over the sand at the edge of the water! The children found quite a few over the years but he was definitely the shark tooth king!

He loved catching a wave on the boogie board with the children, or just body surfing with them.

These memories bring me peace and comfort.

My son and his wife told my youngest daughter and me that they were expecting their first child on this beach. When I walked over the dunes on the stairs that day, I saw a man surf fishing. They used Chris’s sharks teeth to tell us.

Yes, I believe Chris was with us on the beach that day.

I believe he is here with me today. I believe heaven is your happy place and this was his happy place. Maybe this isn’t true at all but what I do know is that someday we will walk and talk together side by side and hand in hand. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll be along a beach somewhere with the cool breeze blowing and the waves crashing on the shore!

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I attended the Good Friday service at my church tonight. I love that the service is at 7:00. It ends with everyone leaving in silence following the choir and ministers and the sun is setting as we depart. Tonight the sunset was absolutely stunning. I couldn’t get a picture so I just took it in. As I did, I reflected on the service. Our minister used the hymn “Were You There” as the focus of his homily. He discussed a variety of people who we know were there and what they did, or didn’t do. What if you were there? Who would you have been? What would you have done?

Would you have stood beside Jesus and proclaimed him as the King of the Jews? Would you have joined the mob yelling “Crucify” because you got caught up with the crowd? Would you have stood by silently crying out of fear? Would you have stepped up to wipe His brow? Would you have denied him as Judias Iscariet did? Would you have walked away so you didn’t have to watch? Would you have walked away because you didn’t care; it didn’t involve you?

I believe I would have followed him but I would have been quietly crying, not calling attention to myself.

“Were you there when they crucified my Lord?” He suffered beatings, cruelty, and death on a cross for you, so that you might have eternal life through him.

Thank you, Jim Giddens for giving me this to consider tonight.

Love, Mercy and Grace

Matthew 27:32-56 New International Version (NIV)

The Crucifixion of Jesus

32 As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. 33 They came to a place called Golgotha (which means “the place of the skull”). 34 There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it. 35 When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots. 36 And sitting down, they kept watch over him there. 37 Above his head they placed the written charge against him: this is jesus, the king of the jews.

38 Two rebels were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left. 39 Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads 40 and saying, “You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days,save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!” 41 In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. 42 “He saved others,” they said, “but he can’t save himself! He’s the king of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43 He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’”44 In the same way the rebels who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

The Death of Jesus

45 From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. 46 About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli,[a] lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).[b]

47 When some of those standing there heard this, they said, “He’s calling Elijah.”

48 Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. 49 The rest said, “Now leave him alone. Let’s see if Elijah comes to save him.”

50 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

51 At that moment the curtain of the templewas torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split 52 and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53 They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and[c]went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

54 When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son of God!”

55 Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. 56 Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joseph,[d] and the mother of Zebedee’s sons.

The great blue heron is a wading bird found near the coastal wetlands and marshes across North America. They are big beautiful birds and for my family a sign of Chris’s presence. I hope I didn’t scare you off with that statement.

I believe we can receive “messages” from a loved one who has departed. The idea of someone who has passed away sending a message can bring peace and comfort. It can also be a little unnerving. Others may be concerned for you when you share these messages with them. For those who cannot embrace this level of thinking and worry about friends or family who claim these experiences, I say this… If your loved one finds comfort in the idea that they have had a sign from their loved one, let it be. It doesn’t hurt anyone and it brings comfort and peace. Don’t get overly worked up about it and don’t discount it if your loved one shares their experience with you.

The signs are usually personally significant. They can relate to your relationship with your lost loved one. What you experience may be unique to you. Everyone is not going to have the same experience.

The presence of an animal may give you the sense that your loved one is with you. Many believe the appearance of a red cardinal is a visit from a loved one.

As I stated at the beginning, the appearance of a blue heron is a source of peace and comfort for us.

The blue heron became significant for us because of a story my son related after seeing one shortly after Chris died.

“It came from when Dad and I used to hunt in the woods behind the house. We had a talk about birds that you can shoot and ones you can’t, basically if they looked or sang pretty then let them be. We saw a heron and just watched it for a bit before it flew off croaking. He said “and don’t shoot those” even though they didn’t fit the rule.

We have seen blue herons at significant times in our lives- graduations, weddings, birthdays, tough days. Shortly after moving out of our home of 14 years and into my new home, I walked outside and thought a helicopter was about to crash over my head. I heard the “whoosh, thump, whoosh thump” of a granddaddy blue heron taking off from somewhere behind the house and coming overhead and across the street. I burst into tears.

Then there was the time my daughters and I were in Michigan for a soccer game. It was Meghan’s first game of the season following her dad’s death. I went for a walk along the riverfront at the hotel. I was taking pictures when a blue heron flew past me and landed along the shore. I was amazed because, at the time, I had no idea they even lived up there! It was such a gift to see him there.

Last weekend as we were running errands to prepare for P’s birthday party, a heron flew over the road.

Silly…maybe it is. A wild stretch…maybe it is. But, I will tell you that the appearance of a heron is always comforting to each of us. It’s not an everyday occurrence and when it happens there is a special significance to us.

The presence of a loved one can be revealed in other ways as well.

Visitation dreams from your loved one are powerful and very real. I remember the first one I had and it was so real. His conversation with me was so sweet and ended with a kiss on my forehead.

I have a dear friend who had a visitation dream from Chris in which he talked to her about watching our grandson,P. He said that P sees him but won’t remember it.

Being able to smell your loved one’s precious scent is comforting. I have a box of Chris’s clothes that I will occasionally open to hold and smell him again. While hugging my son one day, I could smell Chris so clearly. I held on a little too long and my son asked if I was okay. I told him he smelled just like his dad. His wife agreed that she could smell him occasionally as well. He doesn’t always smell like him, but it does happen occasionally.

Finding a penny, dime, feather or other significant small object tied to your loved one’s life on earth can make you catch your breath and think of your loved one.

Maybe these things can easily be explained away or simply called coincidences or giving meaning to something that occurs naturally. I get that, but we aren’t harming anyone. We are on a journey, the most difficult of our lives. Our faith is guiding us. If these events bring us comfort and peace, I ask that you allow us to experience without judging us as losing touch with reality. It’s actually helping us deal with the reality of a difficult loss.

In terms of loss, grief and healing the days are long but the years are short. It’s hard to believe that Chris has been gone for 6 years and that last Saturday was my grandson’s first birthday! I can’t believe that it’s been a year since he arrived bringing joy beyond this world. He is my heart. He is just the cutest and sweetest little boy ever. (Said every grandparent everywhere!)

P was born on the same day as the memorial service for Chris was held just five years earlier.

Have you ever just felt God’s hand reach out and touch you? I have. All praise and glory to His name.

When we found out P’s due date of February 23rd, I took a deep breath. I thought, for just a second… How would we ever truly celebrate his birthday when that is the week of Chris’s death and our deepest mourning?

And, that thought passed and I was breathing again. This is His doing. What are the chances that this “just happened”? No, this was His plan laid out for us. He wanted to bring us up from the depths of our grief to celebrate life and what would be more perfect than the arrival of a child! It had been five years and we were to change the dread of the week to joy.

The same week P was due to arrive last year, we celebrated the marriage of one of my sweet nieces at beautiful Boone Hill Plantation. Celebrating Chris’s life with his death, the promise of new life with P’s arrival, and the promise of an everlasting love with M’s wedding. God’s hand.

Our focus on P’s arrival and M’s wedding last year didn’t keep us from remembering Chris. We do that every day. What it did provide for us was a break from thinking about that awful week of our life twenty-four hours a day for seven days. The week starts with those memories and at the end of it we find ourselves celebrating life and love.

So…..

I’ll carry you in my heart always, Chris!

Happy Birthday, P!

Happy Anniversary, M & J!

Everyone has their own traditions for celebrating each holiday, including Valentine’s Day. Some people ignore it because “it’s just a gimmick created by Hallmark” to get people to spend money on cards, candy, stuffed animals and flowers. Others celebrate with fancy dinners, flowers, candy and/or gifts of jewelry. I have to say Chris and I fell into a category somewhere between the two. Chris always gave me flowers. He would have them delivered to school or bring them home to me at the end of the day. The most special gift of all was a rose bush that produced the most beautiful small buds. I’m pretty sure he gave it to me about 10 years ago. For those of you who know me, you know that I can kill a plant just by looking at it. I did not inherit my mother and grandmother’s green thumb! It’s pretty darn amazing that it survived as long as it did. Yes, I used past tense. It appears as though I may have killed it. It breaks my heart. It was a physical hold that I had on our love and now it’s gone. I’m keep telling myself that this physical reminder is gone but the memory of the gift and the two of us planting it in a huge pot is still with me. It won’t ever die.

My gift to Chris was always something fun or creative- Valentine’s boxers, a red shirt or sweater, a red toolbox, a candy poem. I had fun thinking of what to do for him and planning it out.

We weren’t big on going out to dinner for Valentine’s Day, especially after we had children. I would cook an Italian dinner -spaghetti and meatballs- with salad and bread, of course. We would eat together as a family because in our house Valentine’s was a day to celebrate ALL love, not just love between a couple. The kids gave cards and candy to their friends and teachers. Chris and I gave gifts to each child- again some small token of our love.

Our last Valentine’s Day together was spent with a dear friend and his new bride at Ruth’s Chris in Savannah. We weren’t especially excited to be going out on Valentine’s Day but really wanted to make the evening special for our friends. We had a lovely evening together. On our way home, we both remarked about how nice everything was and that we were glad we had done it. I won’t ever forget that night -our last Valentine’s Day. Six days later, Chris was gone. For those who don’t know, he committed suicide. We had this beautiful evening together and six days later, he was gone.

So what do you do on Valentine’s Day when the love of your life is in heaven and your children are grown and gone. You do something for yourself! Make dinner plans with other single friends. Go buy your own flowers and enjoy them. Treat yourself to a spa day or just a manicure and pedicure. Buy your favorite candy and watch Wonder Woman. Sign up for a wine and paint session. Order delivery, crank the music and have your own dance party.

Part of this year’s plan has been made for me. It’s Ash Wednesday. I’ll go to the service at my church. This Valentine’s Day, I think I’ll focus on God’s love for me and my love for Him. Maybe you will, too.

Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return