Author: jmayville

I think it’s important for you to understand some background for my story of faith and healing before I tackle some of the hard stuff.
I didn’t know it was possible to love someone like I loved Chris or to be loved by someone the way he loved me. I had dreamed about it but hadn’t experienced anything like it before. He loved me completely, warts and all. He was the kindest, most gentle man I had ever met besides my daddy. He made me laugh. I mean belly laugh, drink comes through the nose laugh. We had so much fun together whatever we did. 
For the two years we dated, I was living in Charleston and he was living in Savannah, specifically Tybee Island. We alternated traveling each weekend. We shared our cities with each other. We were both history buffs and loved learning all we could about each other’s city. It was magical.

Chris loved the beach, which was kind of a requirement for this beach bum! I thought it was a God wink that he lived at Tybee. He lived in a little bachelor pad rental house on the Butler side of 7th Ave. with one of his brother’s ranger buddies. When I arrived at the house on Friday afternoons, there was usually a note on the door telling me he was on the beach and to come join. I have to tell you the anticipation of seeing him was about school girl crush level. My heart beat like a hummingbird’s wings and butterflies were tickling my stomach. I came over the boardwalk and could see him fishing on the shoreline. He would have a chair and a cold beer waiting there for me. It was the best! Sometimes we’d walk hand in hand down the beach telling about our day and anything else we had on our minds. And other days, we’d sit in the chairs and hold hands while we shared. He loved hearing stories about my students and my day. I can’t count the number of sunsets we watched. 

Chris was a romantic. He sent me cards all the time, and brought flowers when he came to Charleston. I wasn’t as good about all of that as he was. He held my hand no matter where we were, walking down the street, watching a movie or sitting in church. 
While walking hand in hand through the streets of Charleston one day, a little girl, who was walking towards us with her mommy asked if we were married. We smiled, shook our heads from side to side and said “No”. She said, “I think you should get married.” We laughed and Chris said, “Not a bad idea” Out of the mouths of babes….
After dating for a year and a half, Chris asked my parents for permission to marry me. He placed the ring on my little Christmas tree with hopes that I would find it and then he would pop the question. Well, I didn’t find it on the tree, even after his exclamations about how cute my tree was and pointing out some of the ornaments. He was disappointed but he moved on to plan B, which, honestly, was perfect. Sunday, after church, we went to get doughnuts and then to The Battery to walk. When we had walked a short distance, he stopped and took my hands in his, told me he loved me more than he ever thought was possible and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and asked if I would marry him. Of course, I said “yes”. 
We were married for 25 years and 3 months before he took his life. We had recently both turned 50. We had been married as long as we hadn’t been married! We had three beautiful, healthy children who were the absolute joy of his life. He was a perfect dad. I do not exaggerate when I say this. He loved being a dad. He played all kinds of games with them, even Pretty, Pretty Princess! He steam-rolled across the family room floor and our king size bed with them. He was a soccer and baseball coach for all of them. Laughter filled our home. I always marveled how he used psychology to get the children to clean up or do things they really didn’t want to do. He rarely yelled. He didn’t have to. I called him the peacekeeper. I loved watching him with our children. It warmed my heart. 
Our marriage was strong. We talked about growing old together. “Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be” was a favorite saying of ours. We were always hugging and kissing and our private time was…. well, amazing. We were best friends. We supported each other in our work. We had very few disagreements because Chris couldn’t stand confrontation. Sometimes I wanted him to really get mad and he wouldn’t. We shared everything, or at least I thought we did. 
I don’t pretend to understand why Chris committed suicide. He left no note. I can ask myself “Why?” every day but the answer doesn’t change, “I don’t know.” So I try to stay focused on what I do know.

 I know that Chris Mayville loved our children and me with all of his heart and soul. I know that I couldn’t have stopped him even though I wish I had the chance to try. I know this was not a selfish act, but rather an act of mental pain and suffering. I know that Chris fell into the arms of our Heavenly Father and found peace there that he couldn’t find here. I know that he is in heaven and that we will be united again someday and it will be joyful reunion. 

Our son, Carter, was such an incredible source of strength for his sisters and me though those first few difficult days. One of the things he said to us and repeated at Chris’s funeral was this:

For 22 years I was blessed to have Chris Mayville as my dad. He was truly the most amazing dad ever. There are children in this world who haven’t known one day with an amazing dad. I am so blessed.

Such great insight and wisdom at such a young age. That became our focus in healing- we were blessed to have been a part of Chris Mayville’s life. So many women will never know the love I knew as his wife. I am so thankful for every day I had with him. Sure I wish there had been more days, but the Legacy of Love he left behind in his children and me is powerful. He also touched the lives of many people he met and worked with through the years. He always put others needs above his own. He took care of those less fortunate than he was but he never boasted about it. He was a humble and kind servant. He loved his neighbors. We have to celebrate that. Celebrate love! 

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  1 Corinthians 13:2

My dear, sweet friend and sister Claudia Shand is responsible for this blog’s beginning so I want to make my first post about her and our special relationship.

Shand and I met at the College of Charleston in 1982. I was starting my senior year and she was a junior transfer student from Winthrop. She was our new suite-mate. We became fast and wonderful friends. I met her fiancé, Bill, once before their wedding. He was, and continues to be, an outstanding soldier and an overall great guy.
Fast forward to July 1985, Bill and Shand’s wedding weekend. Their rehearsal dinner was held at Shand’s aunt and uncle’s beautiful home on John’s Island, just outside of Charleston. Shortly after arriving I headed to the porch to get a beer. There was a small group of people hanging out around the coolers and drink station. A cute guy jumps up from the cooler he was sitting on and says, “Can I buy you a drink?” I snickered and shook my head and said, “Wow, sure- didn’t realize it was a cash bar!” He gave me a beer and introduced himself as Chris, brother of the groom. I thanked him and said, “I’m Julie, friend of the bride.” We chatted briefly and I excused myself; mostly to pull myself together. He was really cute! We partnered later to play Trivial Pursuit. Chris walked me to my car at the end of the evening and kissed me. I have to say I can still remember and feel that kiss today. It was truly a fireworks kind of kiss.

I was on cloud nine anticipating the wedding and reception Saturday night. It was a beautiful wedding at Bethel UMC followed by a beautiful reception at the Hibernian Hall. Chris found me at the reception and we talked, laughed and danced all night. This was the fabulous beginning of our love story. Bill and Shand returned from their honeymoon to find out that Chris and I had hit it off and had made plans to see each other again. I remember them saying they were very happy but also very surprised. They had not imagined the two of us together. Surprise!

The four of us spent some time together when we first started dating. Bill was stationed in Savannah and Chris was living and working there. I was living in Charleston. One of us was on the road every weekend so we could see each other. I have many special memories of Savannah and time with Shand and Bill during that time- my first St. Patrick’s Day, supporting Chris as he studied for and took the CPA exam, babysitting Shand and Bill’s first born, Chas, and helping them pack to leave when Bill got his orders for Germany.

Two and a half years after our fateful meeting, Chris and I were married. Unfortunately, because they were stationed in Germany, Bill and Shand couldn’t attend the wedding. I received a beautiful letter from Bill welcoming me to the Mayville family. I treasure that gift.

My friendship with Shand led me to the love of my life and she and I became sisters! Neither one of us had blood sisters so we totally loved this new relationship. Chris and Bill were extremely close brothers. The four of us continued to spend as much time together as we could. We traveled to Germany while they were there. We went to Ft. Bragg and stayed with them in what has to be the smallest military house ever. I laughed til I cried when Shand said you had to step aside for a fly if you met in the “hallway”.

As our families grew, it became important for us to remain close so that our kids would grow up together and become friends above cousins. We traveled to Ft. Benning for Thanksgiving, to Newport for vacation, and back to Ft. Bragg, thankfully, in larger housing! They came to our beach house and we created memories to last a lifetime. And joyfully, our children became friends. In February of this year, Meghan stood at Margie’s wedding as her maid of honor.

February 20, 2012, I had to call Shand and Bill to tell them that Chris had died. To be honest, I don’t remember much about that day. I do remember hearing Shand’s voice and it was heartbreaking.

Getting through that week was horrific. I relied on friends and family for everything. I am blessed to have been surrounded by so much loving care. Shand and Bill have stood by the children and me through some tough days. I can always count on Shand to listen and to reach out to me. I have been to Kansas, to D.C., and to Carolina Beach to be with her. She went to Surfside Beach with me the first time I went back.

Sometime during the first year after Chris’s death, Shand sent me a card and a necklace from one of my favorite shops in Kansas. It is my reminder to focus on what’s important and is the inspiration for the title of my blog.

The charm contains three words: love, mercy, grace.

The card read- Surrounded by Love, Asking for Mercy, Receiving Grace.

Those three words sum up my journey of healing from loss. I plan to share more of this journey with you in hopes that something I share will help you in some way to refocus your life or to heal from loss.