Love, Mercy, and Grace

#1 – Grief changes who you are FOREVER.

#2 – You never get over your loss. You absorb it and it becomes part of who you are.

#3 – People will give you timeframes – Tell them to stuff their timeframes as nicely as possible)

#4 – Fitness can be a lifeline and lifesaver if you allow it to be. (This is the hardest for me!)

#5 – There is no perfect roadmap that fits all people.

#6 – Some people will leave your life because they can’t handle your pain or how you change. Allow them to go.

#7 – Tell your story – you may empower yourself and others.

#8 – Don’t judge your process. Others may judge you but don’t you dare do it to yourself.

#9 – You can live again after loss. Honor your loved one by living. You are allowed to be happy, full of life, joy and peace and many times all those good things are mixed with touches of pain…welcome to the club. This makes you normal and it makes you a beautiful soul.

#10 Grief is a journey

Last week 21 year old Tyler Hilenski, a young man who from the outside seemed to have everything going for him, ended his life. My heart is breaking for his family.

In the comment section of the news article about his death, I read the following comment:

When I hear these stories I can’t imagine the thought process in the victim’s head. From here on out I only hope people always think of others left behind after you’re gone. Hopefully this thought alone will be enough to prevent someone from following through with suicide. I am in prayer for strength to turn to Christ in the drastic times we live in today.

I found myself instantly responding to this comment to provide a better understanding of suicide for this person. He has it so wrong. I wrote:

The victim does think of those who will be left behind. He believes the family will be better off with him gone. He won’t be a burden to them anymore.

Depression is a real and serious Illness. His mind has taken him on a very lonely journey.

Suicide is a word that strikes heartache to the core of everyone. It’s a hush-hush word. No one likes to talk about it. What can you say? It’s a tragedy. There’s great suffering associated with it.

Most often people will say, “I can’t believe this happened,” or ” I was afraid something Iike this was going to happen”.

I certainly didn’t say the latter. Chris’s suicide rocked “our world”.

I’ve done so much reading on suicide since my sweet husband committed suicide in February 2012. Why read about it after and not before you might ask. I never knew I needed to read about it before. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he would consider taking his life. He loved the children and me too much to leave us like that. Following the suicide of a close friend of his, we had a conversation about the fallout of his suicide- how it affected everyone around him. I told him then that nothing was bad enough to end your life over- that we were together for better or worse. That didn’t stop him.

I suffer with anxiety and depression myself but even when I was at my lowest, I never considered suicide to be an option. But that was me. It wasn’t Chris. He suffered silently. If you haven’t read about depression in men, I strongly suggest doing some reading. It is quite eye-opening.

I believe he was in a dark place with his self image that led him to think we, his family, would be better off without him. Maybe he felt he had let us down in some way. Maybe he felt lost. Only our Heavenly Father knows the thinking of his mind during those months and weeks leading to February 20th. I have beat myself up trying to make sense of it. He wasn’t his normal happy self but I also knew he was struggling with career choices. He had worked through similar situations before with positive results. I was supportive, encouraging and loving him through it but this time was apparently this time was very different and I didn’t realize it in time.

Last summer I read the book My Living Will by John Trautwein. It is the true story of a family’s journey of grief following the suicide of their 15 year old son. There had been no warnings, no obvious signs. A family and community were left stunned as they pondered how a young man like Will Trautwein, a healthy, happy, popular, athletic, and musical teenager, who came from such a loving home could lose the will to live. While it was difficult to read, it was also good to read and see a path similar to mine.

Godvine posted an article on FB yesterday that asked “Do Christians who commit suicide still go to heaven?”

Of course I had to go read it and was pleased that the article presented information to give a “yes” to that question. I believe from the moment of his death that Chris was welcomed into heaven with the loving arms of our heavenly Father. God took away all of his pain and told him he could rest now. So, as I read comments, I was shocked by some of the judgements people were making. A woman wrote, “As for suicide, that is a cowardly and self-centered way to die. People who choose suicide care nothing for their family and friends.” Others posted that committing suicide is committing murder and murder is sin. I say, until you arrive in heaven or lose someone you love through suicide, you cannot know how God has judged them.

Below is my comment to the article:

My husband and best friend of 25 years and the father of three wonderful children to whom he was a fabulous father was NOT a coward nor was he self-centered. He loved his family and friends with his whole heart. A kinder man you would have difficulty finding. He was doing battle with depression that he could no longer handle. His mind took him to a dark place where the love of his family and friends wasn’t enough to save him. His Heavenly Father did save him. I believe with all of my being that God was with him as he struggled with his decision and as he carried it out. I believe God tried to help him stay but the darkness was stronger. God was waiting for him and welcomed him to His Heavenly home to rest and live with pain no more. I believe that he is finally at peace. I look to the day that I join him in heaven and we walk together hand in hand for forever. Until you educate yourself on depression or have a loved one commit suicide, please do not stand in judgement of someone who commits suicide. I would suggest that you read My Living Will by John Trautwein. May God bless you and your family.

During the 5 years and 11 months since Chris’s death by suicide, I have kept much of these thoughts to myself. I hope and pray that I have not hurt my family in speaking out but I haven’t had anything upset me like this during that time either. I have prayed to God asking if speaking out is right. Maybe he led me to this and knew it was time for me to speak out. I have relied heavily on my faith to get me through this journey of grief. When things have weighed heavily on my heart, God has directed my path. I have tried to let this go for days now and when the Godvine article appeared last night, I was brought right back to it.

I pray God’s blessing on all who read this and may you find your hearts and minds open.

Take care of your loved ones and if anyone is showing signs of depression, try to get help for them. Ultimately they have to be willing to accept your help. If you are suffering from depression that leads you to thoughts of suicide, please reach out and seek help. There are many resources available to help you.

I am surrounded by love, seeking mercy and receiving grace.

“In all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death or life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

Today, I have hit a wall. It is going to take everything within me to push it over- to rely on my faith and God’s help to move it. Sometimes the smallest thing can stop you on your tracks. You can be going along fine and dandy and then, WHAM! You’re on the floor trying to pick yourself up again. And today, it was having to stop what I️ was doing to go pick up a ham! I’m sure that was just the perverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It was something that Chris would have done for me. He would have also fixed the doggie gate issue I️ had earlier today as well. But here I sit in my car in a parking lot falling apart and trying to put on the “I don’t care what you think of me face” because I look like crap as I️ head into the HoneyBaked Ham store. No hiding the grief today. I am alone. I am surrounded by wonderful children and family and friends but I am alone. For 27 years, I was not alone. Alone isn’t just a physical state of being either. It’s mental. it’s not having the one who knows you better than anyone else in the world not there beside you. I miss my best friend and partner.

I’m putting this in writing to heal my heart but hopefully you can see that grief isn’t this emotion that you get to tuck away one day and never experience again. It gets better. We heal, but we are not completely whole again. It’s a process. I had a real moment today and wanted you to know so when you have yours, you’ll know it’s okay.

As I finish writing, I begin to feel my strength returning, my fortitude. God is good always but especially when we call out to Him for help.

As we near the holiday season, my emotions run like a roller coaster at an amusement park. This will be my 6th holiday season without Chris. I have friends who are facing their first without their loved one and others their second and third. It gets easier but the overwhelming feeling of loss is always just around the corner; like I can feel it but haven’t fallen apart yet. It will happen. It’s just a matter of when and how often.

Making plans for gathering with family is not the same. I have to do it alone- the menu, the decorations, the shopping, and cleaning and decorating. Okay, Chris didn’t do much decorating but he was a great cleaner and sou chef! My precious children step up and help. It isn’t the same but it’s good. I reel in my feeling of loss and focus on how great it is that our children will all be here. Focusing on my blessings is usually what keeps me grounded.

There’s no right or wrong way to do the holidays without your loved one. You have to figure out the best way for your family to survive it. For some, doing the same thing is comforting. The routine of it is important to keep in place. Personally, I couldn’t handle doing it the same. I wanted to have Thanksgiving but not in our home, not where the memories were just lying in wait for me. I didn’t know what to do. I prayed and talked to Chris. The answer came to me- We rented a house in the north Georgia mountains. We had a wonderful time. The company was great. The setting was beautiful. We prepared all of the traditional foods. Well, Honeybaked Hams prepared the turkey and ham for us! We lit a candle to honor Chris and prayed a special Thanksgiving prayer giving thanks for him. It was different, but it was still good. We laughed and created wonderful memories that year. I believe Chris was with us in spirit. I believe he was happy that we were together and laughing. We returned to the mountains the following year as well. Then, our son and his wife hosted us and all of the Mayvilles in their new home outside of Atlanta; such a very special time. This year everyone will be at home with me. It’s a different house but it’s going to be good. We’ve had time to establish this new place as Home. I am excited about having our children and grandson and my son’s in-laws and friends here to give thanks for all of our blessings. There will be a candle lit this year and we will laugh as we share sweet memories of Chris being Chris.

And then there’s Christmas. Facing the first Christmas was more difficult for me because of all of the shopping and decorating and traditions that I was going to have to do alone. Chris and I enjoyed shopping and decorating together. We laughed at the wonkiness of the lights as I️ strung my side tightly and his were strung loosely! The thought of facing and completing the tasks alone was overwhelming. I still struggle with shopping for everyone on my own. He loved being a part of that whole process-even the wrapping! Selecting a tree without him was awful for me. My youngest daughter went with me that first year and together we survived it. I had it delivered and set up by the local nursery we bought it from. Then, it sat there empty, naked if you will, and I considered leaving it like. My daughters weren’t going to let that happen! I swear every time I would attempt to do the lights, I just lost it. My friend and hair stylist had given me her nephew’s name and number and told me he would come and decorate the tree for me for a fee. I gave in and called him. Blessedly, he came in and did it while I was gone. I was so glad that I did that. It was money well-spent. After all, my sanity is worth something! I have done the decorating since that first year but I did give in and purchase a pre-lit artificial tree. That saved me the two worst steps of the process for me- selecting the tree and getting lights strung up on it.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were very difficult that first year but I put on my big girl panties and did what needed to be done for the children’s sake. I prayed and prayed for the strength to get through those hours. I prayed my way through it. It was different but ultimately it was good.

My prayer for those of you who are without a loved one this holiday season is that you will find a way to celebrate with family and friends that you can embrace. That you will find a special way to honor your loved one and give thanks for the time you had with them on this earth.

Be gentle with yourself. Bow out when you have to. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You need to do what is best for you and your children. Include your children in the discussion of your plans, especially if you are considering modifying your celebration. Let the tears flow and don’t make excuses for them. Everyone around you loves you and knows that you will miss your loved ones presence.

I’d like to recommend a book for you to read that I found very helpful leading up to the holidays. It’s called The Empty Chair by Robert C. De Vries.

From the Inside Flap<<<<<<
irestorm blazing through a forest, the grief of losing a loved one seems to leave nothing but ashes in its path. The hope and meaning in life appear to vanish. And at no time is that pain more acute than on holidays and other special occasions.<

et even after a forest fire, eventually there is new growth. Out of the devastation of grief you can begin again.

n The Empty Chair, the authors, who have each experienced the death of a spouse, share both pastoral and mental health insights on how you can handle significant days. Offering a comforting blend of emotional support, spiritual guidance, and personal experience, this book is a reflective yet practical approach to finding peace and joy on your journey through grief.

I miss the walks we took together, but I remember them well. My favorite was the first walk we took together as husband and wife, 31 years ago today, down the aisle of Bethany UMC. Our walks were always special.

I remember our walks on La Vida golf course when I was pregnant with Carter. Chris always pushed me to go further than I thought I could. (Hmm, that’s true of many parts of our life together!) During one particularly difficult walk, I looked at him and said, “Um, I think I’m in labor.” He laughed and said, “Good one! Keep walking!” So, I did and about three o’clock in the morning we went to the hospital! Lol!

I loved walking hand in hand with him through the streets of Charleston and Savannah. But, the best walks were on the beach, whether it was Tybee, Surfside, or St. Simons.

The pictures of us walking hand in hand were taken by our youngest daughter, Katie. I’m so thankful that she thought to capture the moment. They remind me that we walked together, side by side and hand in hand. I only wish he had shared the depth of his pain with me instead of keeping it from me.

I miss him more than words can ever express and I treasure every moment we shared together. I am thankful for the pictures that bring yesterday to today.

I loved you then, I love you today and I look to the days we will spend together in eternity with our Heavenly Father.

Until then, I will focus on living my life to the fullest as I know you want me to do. May God direct my path and lead me where He wants me to go and give me the strength to do it.

I read a Washington Post article posted on FB by The Modern Widow group that was very sad to me. It was a perspective article titled: I’m a widow: Why do people think I cannot handle a wedding?

The content revolved around a widow whose in-laws hadn’t invited her to a family wedding because they didn’t think she could handle it. She also talked about the distance she felt between her in-laws and herself. She felt like she should have been invited and allowed to decide whether or not she could handle it for herself; not for them to make that decision for her.

It isn’t easy and maybe I am a reminder of their loss when I am there without their brother, son, and uncle; but, I have been blessed to have not felt shut out by my husband’s family. Chris has two sisters and four brothers. After his death his brothers all stepped up to offer their help in any way that they could. They comforted our children as if they were their own. They showed up for special events and took care of the children whenever they were in Atlanta or Maryland. My son and his wife went to college near several of their uncles and were always welcome to come enjoy a family gathering, watch football with them, and even do their laundry! My oldest daughter moved to Maryland to be an assistant coach for a college soccer team. The only reason I wasn’t a complete basket case was because her aunt and uncle were only an hour away. They even traveled to watch a game. I have continued to stay in their homes. We have had Thanksgiving and birthday celebrations together.

I know a positive relationship with in-laws doesn’t exist for everyone. I’m sorry that this is the case. Maybe it isn’t true or possible for everyone but I hope I can make others realize how important it is to maintain positive relationships with your spouse’s relatives and for relatives of the deceased to maintain a positive relationship with their loved one’s spouse. There is enough isolation present in grieving without adding isolation and anger from relatives.

Maybe it’s because Chris and I made the effort to spend time with them, but we’ve always been close. I have always loved being a part of this big, fun-loving family. Our children are friends with their cousins. They have special relationships and I think that’s awesome! I am so very thankful for all of our continued relationships.

Chris’s death shook all of our worlds. There was nothing I could say to them to comfort them. I couldn’t explain what happened. I would have never imagined that he would commit suicide. We had a long talk with each other after his friend committed suicide less than a year before he did. I told him there was nothing we couldn’t get through, to please never leave us like that. And yet he found himself in so much pain that he couldn’t see another way out. My heart is still broken.

There is still an emptiness inside me; however, I can also say in the same sentence that my cups runneth over with blessings from God. My faith in God and His presence in my life has sustained me the last five years and eight months.

I am thankful to my family and friends for all of their love and support, but I am also thankful to Chris’s family and friends for their love and support. I hope I have been able to show my love and support to them as well. I hope and pray that you are blessed with a positive relationship with your in-laws. The importance of these relationships becomes even more evident in the face of death. Do all you can to mend those that are broken and nurture them.

I am writing this as I prepare to attend my second family wedding. My brother-in-law’s oldest child is getting married. I couldn’t be more excited to be there to witness this marriage and to celebrate with Chris’s family. I am so happy that I received the invitation and had the opportunity to decide whether or not I could handle attending a wedding.

The Power of Music

To heal

To celebrate

To remember

Is simply amazing

I don’t know about you but music has always been a part of my life. My daddy had an old stereo console and quite a collection of albums. He played music in the evenings while we ate dinner and after dinner while I was doing homework. He took such good care of that stereo. I can see him bending over and blowing on the needle to be sure it was free of lint before he set it down on the album. He loved country music- the old classics: Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, Roger Miller, Glenn Campbell, Ray Charles. These albums helped develop my appreciation for country music.

When I was seven years old, my parents bought a piano for me and I started taking piano lessons. I took lessons for 10 years. I should have been an accomplished player but alas, practice time was my downfall. I practiced enough to get by, but I wanted to play popular music along with the traditional and classical piano pieces. My music teacher didn’t approve of my choices and we were at a standoff. I spent more time playing what I wanted to play than playing my lesson music for the week. I would pretend I was performing in public places. I had quite the imagination!

I was also in the children’s choir at church and then the youth choir. We took trips to Lake Junaluska, NC for a weeklong music festival every summer. Those were some of the best days of my life. The music was so powerful and spoke to me on a spiritual level and was fun to sing. Then we would bring back all of that fabulous music home to share with our church family. One of those special pieces of music is “The Gift of Love”. We loved to sing it as an anthem. On my wedding day, a very dear friend of mine sang this song for us. It will always hold a special place on my heart.

The music of the worship service is an important part of my worship experience each Sunday. I enjoy the music selections that set the tone for worship and send us out into the world renewed in the spirit for the week ahead of us. The lyrics of the hymns and anthems assure me that God is with me always and I love to sing praise for all His gifts in my life.

“In the Garden”, “Amazing Grace”, “How Great Thou Art”, “Blessed Assurance” and “The Old, Rugged Cross” are of a few of my all-time favorites. These songs build me up, give me strength to push on when I am weak. I will often have my eyes fill with tears when I sing them.

Last Thursday, I was fortunate enough to have tickets to attend the Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood concert. I was so excited. I have loved his music for a long time. “The Dance” and “The River” are two of my favorite quiet songs. They have taken on special meaning for me since Chris’s death.

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared beneath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known you’d ever say goodbye

And now I’m glad I didn’t know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I’d have to miss the dance

I have so many beautiful memories of Chris and I together. We had a special love. I am so thankful for every day we had together. We used to say to each other, “Come grow old with me; the best is yet to be.” So, if I had known how our earthly love story would end, I still wouldn’t have missed the chance to have the love we shared. He was the love of my life.

Loved singing “The River” with thousands at the concert.

You know a dream is like a river

Ever changin’ as it flows

And a dreamer’s just a vessel

That must follow where it goes

Trying to learn from what’s behind you

And never knowing what’s in store

Makes each day a constant battle

Just to stay between the shores…and

I will sail my vessel

‘Til the river runs dry

Like a bird upon the wind

These waters are my sky

I’ll never reach my destination

If I never try

So I will sail my vessel

‘Til the river runs dry

………

There’s bound to be rough waters

And I know I’ll take some falls

But with the good Lord as my captain

I can make it through them all…

My life has definitely been like a river, with it’s ever changing path where waters are smooth or rough and slow or fast. The water flows around obstacles like rocks and trees. This song reminds me that I can survive the journey on the river of life with the good Lord by my side.

Last year, Cole Swindell released a new song titled, “You Should Be Here”. I cannot tell you how many times I have said that out loud to Chris- College graduations for two children, a high school graduation for one, a wedding for one, a heartbreak for another and the birth of our first grandchild. There have been quiet moments when I’ve said the same thing and big Mayville family moments when I have said it, too.

It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it

And you know that if I had just one wish

It’d be that you didn’t have to miss this

Aw you should be here

You’d be loving this, you’d be freaking out, you’d be smiling, yeah

I know you’d be all about what’s going on right here right now

God I wish somehow you could be here

To sign off on an upbeat note, there’s also that music that I just can’t help but tap my foot to and dance around the room to -like Pharrell’s “Happy”, Danielle Bradbury’s “Sway”, and Bruno Mars’s “Uptown Funk”.

What songs are special to you?

Music is a fair and glorious gift from God. – Martin Luther

Today I woke up to the heartbreaking news of the mass shooting at the Route 91 Harvest Country Music Festival in Las Vegas. It took a few minutes to actually realize what had happened. Unfathomable! What kind of person conceives an action like this, plans out all of the details and then carries it out? Obviously, he was a very disturbed individual. I’m not writing to get into the how’s or why’s this happened or to debate the gun laws in this country; but rather, I am writing to convey my heartfelt condolences and my incredible pride in the people of this great country.

I pray that God will wrap His loving arms around the families and friends of the victims of this tragedy. Their pain is so deep. I simply cannot imagine sending my loved one(s) off to enjoy a great country music festival and then not have them come home. I stand with millions of people who have sent their loved ones off to concert events and prayed for their safety. My heart breaks for those whose loved ones didn’t come home.

I am praying for the lives of the survivors, those with physical injuries and those who are handling the mental pain of what they witnessed and survived. They will live with this for the rest of their lives. My prayer is that they will recover to live full and blessed lives and not suffer for extended periods of time with PTSD.

I am so thankful to the police officers, fire fighters and EMT responders. Their incredibly swift response saved so many lives. They ran in when others were running out. They protected citizens with their own bodies and guided them to safety. They cared for the wounded on site. They were as prepared for such a tragic event as one can be. No one ever wants to have to put active shooter training to the test, but the Las Vegas emergency responders were called on and they passed this awful test.

And last, but certainly, by far, not the least, were the ordinary people who did extra-ordinary things. Some were concert goers who grabbed strangers to pull them to safety. Some were driving by and gave up their vehicles to transport victims to hospitals. People used the barricades as stretchers to carry the wounded to safety. They were those who shielded others with their own bodies. One gentleman in his 50’s decided that the young women in their 20’s on the ground were worth saving more than himself, so he laid his body across them to shield them. Some people turned back to help others get over walls and barricades. They could have just kept on going, but they didn’t.

In the midst of great tragedy, even greater humanity shows up. We have been tested in the last month with hurricanes, fires and earthquakes and now this mass shooting. What has made my heart sing and swell with pride after every event is how people have shown up to help others.

While we continue to make financial donations and send supplies for the victims of the natural disasters, we are stepping up for the victims of the mass shooting. Steve Sisolak, Chairman of the Clark County Commissioners in Las Vegas, reported this afternoon that several

hotels are opening rooms at no cost for victims’ families who are arriving in town. Donations of water, blankets and food to the convention center, where family and friends are awaiting reunification, have been so great that they are running out of room to store them. The city leaders asked people who were able to donate blood. Since that time, donors waited 6-8 hours in long lines for their turn. By 3:00 pm, earliest appointments available were Thursday afternoon and Friday. City leaders also established a

Go Fund Me account to help the victims and their families today and in the days ahead. In just twelve hours it reached $2.2 million. A-maxing! Just amazing!

Can we all embrace this “Be kind to one another” mentality in all areas of our lives?

In the meantime, pray that all who are suffering may find peace in God’s love. May they see God’s hand in the works of others. May our spirits be filled with the desire to do good for others in Your name.

Luke 6:31 Treat others the way you want them to treat you.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Ps. 34:18

PS Sorry for my lack of writings posted lately. I have three in the works, just can’t get through them. Hoping the finishing touches and timing will come so that I may share with you again soon.

Yes, Charles Shultz was correct! Here’s how I know! 

Earlier I shared my sweet Koda story with you. It was story that ended much too soon and hurt me to the core when it ended. I didn’t know when I’d be ready for another dog. My girls were all about me getting a new dog, but I had their dogs around most of the time and was just fine with them. I was doing a good bit of traveling and it was nice not to have to worry about arrangements for a pet. (The girls were responsible for getting caretakers if I had their animals!) 

Not being ready to have another dog didn’t mean that I didn’t look at dogs! I was always looking at rescue sites. I saw many sweet faces over the year. I was also looking at and researching Labradoodles. I thought a non-shedding or even less- shedding dog would be a welcome reprieve from my youngest daughter’s black lab. Even our pitties were shedders. Another point of consideration was whether or not I was ready to handle a puppy again or did I want an older dog. 

As with just about everything else in my life in the last five years, I handed it over to God and figured when the time was right I would know it.

Sure enough, three and a half weeks ago, everything fell into place as perfect as you please. A precious, little black female labradoodle in Arkansas was reduced in price. I had really only looked at the blondes and had even decided on the shade of coat I liked, so feeling drawn to this black female was a little strange. I called to find out what was going on with her. The breeder said that she was already ten weeks old and people in the south generally didn’t like black dogs. I told her I needed to think about it overnight because I hadn’t really considered a black one. Five minutes later, my friend showed me a Facebook post of two adorable Labradoodles that were available; one was a black female and one was a blonde male. I contacted the person who made the post. As luck would have it. we actually have several mutual friends, which made me more comfortable contacting her. She shared information about the puppies and gave me info on how to contact the mother’s owner, Eric. She was actually getting one of the puppies. I contacted the owner and we had a very pleasant conversation. In the end, he told me that two people were coming to look at the blonde boy the next day, which was Sunday. He would let me know at the end of the day how that had gone. Again, I was facing a little black female as my option. 

I anxiously watched my phone all afternoon Sunday. It wasn’t until after dinner that the phone rang. 

Eric said he had an interesting day and wasn’t sure how I was going to respond. One of the people who came to look at the blonde puppy decided on the black female instead. So, the blonde male was the last puppy. The blonde that I had wanted to begin with was available. It was meant to be! I put a deposit on him because I was out of town and couldn’t get there until the end of the week and wanted to be sure that he was still there. 

I was so excited- a little anxious but excited. 

I shared the news with the kids. I was afraid they would think I was crazy but I couldn’t have been more sane. The kids were all very supportive. 

My youngest asked me if I knew what day it was. I told her the date. She said, ” Mom, today is the first anniversary of the day we had to put Koda down.” ……. It was time for a new puppy. 

Next came the lists of things to shop for and a list of possible names. Fun times shopping and preparing for puppy to come. 
Friday arrived and my youngest daughter, my friend, Susan, and I headed south on I-95 to Brunswick to meet and pick up puppy.  I was down to a couple of names for him-  Max, Samson and Tucker. Meeting him in person would determine which name stuck! Walking in the house, we found two puppies rough housing and chasing Luna, their moma. Tucker, the only boy in an 8 puppy litter, was true to form for all boy! Owner warned that he was the biggest cryer at the vet. Thankfully, he figured out pretty quickly that I wasn’t going to respond to crying and it stopped. He loves to play. We go hard and fast and then he collapses and takes a nap! 

Tucker has been home for three weeks and I couldn’t be happier. He is adorable. He keeps me on my toes. He’s very smart and catches on quickly to what’s allowed and what isn’t. He’s learned that when he is beside me and calm he gets his back and tummy rubbed, which he loves! I think we’re going to be great buddies! 

“Once you have had a wonderful dog, a life without one, is a life diminished.” —Dean Koontz 

So true. So very true!