My In-Laws are not My Out-Laws

I read a Washington Post article posted on FB by The Modern Widow group that was very sad to me. It was a perspective article titled: I’m a widow: Why do people think I cannot handle a wedding?

The content revolved around a widow whose in-laws hadn’t invited her to a family wedding because they didn’t think she could handle it. She also talked about the distance she felt between her in-laws and herself. She felt like she should have been invited and allowed to decide whether or not she could handle it for herself; not for them to make that decision for her.

It isn’t easy and maybe I am a reminder of their loss when I am there without their brother, son, and uncle; but, I have been blessed to have not felt shut out by my husband’s family. Chris has two sisters and four brothers. After his death his brothers all stepped up to offer their help in any way that they could. They comforted our children as if they were their own. They showed up for special events and took care of the children whenever they were in Atlanta or Maryland. My son and his wife went to college near several of their uncles and were always welcome to come enjoy a family gathering, watch football with them, and even do their laundry! My oldest daughter moved to Maryland to be an assistant coach for a college soccer team. The only reason I wasn’t a complete basket case was because her aunt and uncle were only an hour away. They even traveled to watch a game. I have continued to stay in their homes. We have had Thanksgiving and birthday celebrations together.

I know a positive relationship with in-laws doesn’t exist for everyone. I’m sorry that this is the case. Maybe it isn’t true or possible for everyone but I hope I can make others realize how important it is to maintain positive relationships with your spouse’s relatives and for relatives of the deceased to maintain a positive relationship with their loved one’s spouse. There is enough isolation present in grieving without adding isolation and anger from relatives.

Maybe it’s because Chris and I made the effort to spend time with them, but we’ve always been close. I have always loved being a part of this big, fun-loving family. Our children are friends with their cousins. They have special relationships and I think that’s awesome! I am so very thankful for all of our continued relationships.

Chris’s death shook all of our worlds. There was nothing I could say to them to comfort them. I couldn’t explain what happened. I would have never imagined that he would commit suicide. We had a long talk with each other after his friend committed suicide less than a year before he did. I told him there was nothing we couldn’t get through, to please never leave us like that. And yet he found himself in so much pain that he couldn’t see another way out. My heart is still broken.

There is still an emptiness inside me; however, I can also say in the same sentence that my cups runneth over with blessings from God. My faith in God and His presence in my life has sustained me the last five years and eight months.

I am thankful to my family and friends for all of their love and support, but I am also thankful to Chris’s family and friends for their love and support. I hope I have been able to show my love and support to them as well. I hope and pray that you are blessed with a positive relationship with your in-laws. The importance of these relationships becomes even more evident in the face of death. Do all you can to mend those that are broken and nurture them.

I am writing this as I prepare to attend my second family wedding. My brother-in-law’s oldest child is getting married. I couldn’t be more excited to be there to witness this marriage and to celebrate with Chris’s family. I am so happy that I received the invitation and had the opportunity to decide whether or not I could handle attending a wedding.